I've never written in the second person before, it's kind of weird. I wrote this today at work between calls, so it's highly unfinished and rushed, blah, blah, blah, same old stuff I say.
Hindsight
You saw this coming, at least that is what you will tell yourself. Looking back you will see the signs, how she grew more and more distant. Her constantly referring to a friend of hers who never materialized until she told you she was in love with someone else. You will feel stupid for thinking the friend was always a female.
You will not put up a fight. You will sit silent as she packs her things, moving in with her friend turned lover. Your big act of defiance will be to refuse to help her pack.
She will continually be around for the following week taking this and that with her. She will take the white couch you loved so much. When her friend David, who is not her lover, comes to move the couch you will ask if she has slept with him too. He will not answer you.
She will promise to pay her half of the rent until the lease is up in six months. The checks will be in her new lovers name. This is how you find out his name is Leonardo. His name will make your name feel too common and by that you will feel small. You will tell yourself his parents named him after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and not the genius painter. You will feel even more small for being reduced to hurling third grade insults.
Your friends will tolerate you for only a short time. They will tell you to get drunk, to get laid, anything for you to stop unloading your problems on them. They will tell you their break up stories, not out of comfort but contest. They always have to have the best stories to tell.
One night, after drinks, you will drive by his house. You will find directions from the address on his checks. Her car will be in the driveway meaning they are both there. You will be smart enough not to let your mind come up with what's going on in there. His car is older, yours marginally nicer. This will only be a small victory because you know she could care less what type of a car a man drives.
Your appetite will waver. Some days you will eat three meals and more. Some days you will eat nothing and hardly notice the change.
Do not call her or email her, though you will want to. You are allowed one low-key phone call or email but after that you will not speak unless spoken to.
Email her, decided that it is the least pathetic way to go. After send the email change your mind. You will feel more pathetic but there is no turning back.
Collect the items she left behind and will never be coming back for. A pair of black sunglasses with ruby lenses. Remember the way she looked in them and then throw them away. The book she wanted you to read will remind you of her with every word of it you read. Open it and try to pry the two halves apart. You will struggle with this. Find yourself thinking that Leonardo could tear a book with ease. He must work out regularly, tanned and shirtless while she watches him do push ups. Start to form a fictional Leonardo inside of your head. Think of a nickname for him, settle on The Adventurer. In your mind he is rugged and handsome, everything you think you are not. This will start you thinking about everything you did wrong to drive her away. These thoughts will keep you up at night and go so far at to effect your dreams.
You are allowed to drink. You are not allowed to get drink. Promise yourself that this time you will not do anything foolish.
Go drinking with your friends. Do not talk about her even if your friends bring her up. Tell them you are fine and change the subject. Smile and order another drink. Ignore the waitress and the girls at the bar, they will only remind you of her. Everything will seem to have its way of bringing your thoughts back to her.
Start a pleasant but obviously strained correspondence with her. Talk by email, still no phone. There will be days between her responses but you will still check your email multiple times a day just in case. Try to find something to fill that void. Being drawing. When you realize that it will take lots of practice you will think that Leonardo is a fantastic painter and his parents could not have chosen a more appropriate namesake. Stop drawing and take up jogging instead.
Max out your credit cards replacing furniture and things lost when she moved out. The new brown couch makes you long for hers. The apartment no longer feels familiar. Browse the classifieds for apartment listings with the words one bedroom or studio. You will realize that means leaving the place the two of you cohabitated, a years worth of memories with a less than stellar ending.
Call your parents, give them the bad news. Promise your mother that she will have a granddaughter one day, just not anytime soon. Remind her that it wasn't your fault. Laugh when your father calls Leonardo a bastard. Tell him you couldn't agree more.
Your friends will feel sorry for you and try their hand at matchmaking. Entertain them. The first girl you meet could not possibly be further from your type. Be polite to her, she doesn't want to be there just as much as you. Kiss her on the cheek when you leave, don't let one bad break-up keep you from being a gentleman. Do not exchange phone numbers.
At the bookstore that you and her used to go to you will run into her. Public spaces were never divided in the split.
You will try to hide behind a stack of books but she will have already seen you.
She will point out how long your hair has gotten, and it has gotten longer. You will forego haircuts in favor of sulking. Her hair will be shorter, her outfit more carefully chosen and put together. Her make-up will be more vibrant.
Do not run for the door, but also do not crumble at her feet. You will ask her how things are going. She will be polite and not bring up Leonardo in the conversation. Neither will you. No personal information will be shared except that you are both fine and mutually agree you should see each other again soon. She will tell you that she has some things of yours. She wants to come by and drop them off sometime. Many responses will go through your head. You will not tell her to mail it, that she knows the address. You are not capable of any type of cruelty toward her, even on such a small scale. Instead you will nod your head and tell her that it's fine. She can come by anytime. There is no way around it, this will tear your heart to pieces. Make it a point to avoid that bookstore. In fact, avoid that whole area of town, no need to risk another moment like that.
Go back to the apartment and wait for her. Even though she is only bringing some thing over you desperately still want to see her, so go home and wait. It may be days, it may be weeks, but you will wait just the same.
Hindsight
You saw this coming, at least that is what you will tell yourself. Looking back you will see the signs, how she grew more and more distant. Her constantly referring to a friend of hers who never materialized until she told you she was in love with someone else. You will feel stupid for thinking the friend was always a female.
You will not put up a fight. You will sit silent as she packs her things, moving in with her friend turned lover. Your big act of defiance will be to refuse to help her pack.
She will continually be around for the following week taking this and that with her. She will take the white couch you loved so much. When her friend David, who is not her lover, comes to move the couch you will ask if she has slept with him too. He will not answer you.
She will promise to pay her half of the rent until the lease is up in six months. The checks will be in her new lovers name. This is how you find out his name is Leonardo. His name will make your name feel too common and by that you will feel small. You will tell yourself his parents named him after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and not the genius painter. You will feel even more small for being reduced to hurling third grade insults.
Your friends will tolerate you for only a short time. They will tell you to get drunk, to get laid, anything for you to stop unloading your problems on them. They will tell you their break up stories, not out of comfort but contest. They always have to have the best stories to tell.
One night, after drinks, you will drive by his house. You will find directions from the address on his checks. Her car will be in the driveway meaning they are both there. You will be smart enough not to let your mind come up with what's going on in there. His car is older, yours marginally nicer. This will only be a small victory because you know she could care less what type of a car a man drives.
Your appetite will waver. Some days you will eat three meals and more. Some days you will eat nothing and hardly notice the change.
Do not call her or email her, though you will want to. You are allowed one low-key phone call or email but after that you will not speak unless spoken to.
Email her, decided that it is the least pathetic way to go. After send the email change your mind. You will feel more pathetic but there is no turning back.
Collect the items she left behind and will never be coming back for. A pair of black sunglasses with ruby lenses. Remember the way she looked in them and then throw them away. The book she wanted you to read will remind you of her with every word of it you read. Open it and try to pry the two halves apart. You will struggle with this. Find yourself thinking that Leonardo could tear a book with ease. He must work out regularly, tanned and shirtless while she watches him do push ups. Start to form a fictional Leonardo inside of your head. Think of a nickname for him, settle on The Adventurer. In your mind he is rugged and handsome, everything you think you are not. This will start you thinking about everything you did wrong to drive her away. These thoughts will keep you up at night and go so far at to effect your dreams.
You are allowed to drink. You are not allowed to get drink. Promise yourself that this time you will not do anything foolish.
Go drinking with your friends. Do not talk about her even if your friends bring her up. Tell them you are fine and change the subject. Smile and order another drink. Ignore the waitress and the girls at the bar, they will only remind you of her. Everything will seem to have its way of bringing your thoughts back to her.
Start a pleasant but obviously strained correspondence with her. Talk by email, still no phone. There will be days between her responses but you will still check your email multiple times a day just in case. Try to find something to fill that void. Being drawing. When you realize that it will take lots of practice you will think that Leonardo is a fantastic painter and his parents could not have chosen a more appropriate namesake. Stop drawing and take up jogging instead.
Max out your credit cards replacing furniture and things lost when she moved out. The new brown couch makes you long for hers. The apartment no longer feels familiar. Browse the classifieds for apartment listings with the words one bedroom or studio. You will realize that means leaving the place the two of you cohabitated, a years worth of memories with a less than stellar ending.
Call your parents, give them the bad news. Promise your mother that she will have a granddaughter one day, just not anytime soon. Remind her that it wasn't your fault. Laugh when your father calls Leonardo a bastard. Tell him you couldn't agree more.
Your friends will feel sorry for you and try their hand at matchmaking. Entertain them. The first girl you meet could not possibly be further from your type. Be polite to her, she doesn't want to be there just as much as you. Kiss her on the cheek when you leave, don't let one bad break-up keep you from being a gentleman. Do not exchange phone numbers.
At the bookstore that you and her used to go to you will run into her. Public spaces were never divided in the split.
You will try to hide behind a stack of books but she will have already seen you.
She will point out how long your hair has gotten, and it has gotten longer. You will forego haircuts in favor of sulking. Her hair will be shorter, her outfit more carefully chosen and put together. Her make-up will be more vibrant.
Do not run for the door, but also do not crumble at her feet. You will ask her how things are going. She will be polite and not bring up Leonardo in the conversation. Neither will you. No personal information will be shared except that you are both fine and mutually agree you should see each other again soon. She will tell you that she has some things of yours. She wants to come by and drop them off sometime. Many responses will go through your head. You will not tell her to mail it, that she knows the address. You are not capable of any type of cruelty toward her, even on such a small scale. Instead you will nod your head and tell her that it's fine. She can come by anytime. There is no way around it, this will tear your heart to pieces. Make it a point to avoid that bookstore. In fact, avoid that whole area of town, no need to risk another moment like that.
Go back to the apartment and wait for her. Even though she is only bringing some thing over you desperately still want to see her, so go home and wait. It may be days, it may be weeks, but you will wait just the same.