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ladyvespers

Hadleigh UK

Member Since 2007

Followers 176 Following 148

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Tuesday Nov 20, 2007

Nov 20, 2007
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bah *edited cause I'm a twatt*

(Re-Edit as I'm ready now)

So, I've got cancer again for the 3rd time and I'm tired. I fought it twice since I was 9, the latest was last year when I had surgery etc etc.

I haven't told my family, I don't plan on until I make a decision on whether or not I want to fight it.

It's not that I'm willing to say fuck it and keel over. I just felt so much better before I took the meds/treatment last time and so much worse after that I couldn't really function day to day.

I have a job, a social life (well I did until I became a 'recluse' due to thinking about this stupid shit) and so much more stuff I do that I want to feel fine doing rather than puking and being too tired and sore to do anything.

I don't give a shit if i lose my hair. It's been slowly falling out for the last 6 weeks anyway (yay) if it gets too bad I'll buzz it and everyone can laugh at my dome.

I guess I just am going through a 'crises' maybe, I don't know.

I mean I've told a few friends and 'they' want me to fight for them, which is fine but if i'm not fighting for me aswell isn't it all moot in the end?

People are right, I'm not old enough or mature enough to be making these 'decisions' on life and death. I haven't lived enough. BUT at the same point if you are at a point where you just... are fine with it what do you do?

I'm not trying to get any 'sympathy' here. I don't want the "I'm sorry's" or the "OMGZ", that isn't why I'm writing this.

I'm writing it because, hell, I'm trying to run things verbally and literally through my head and my head won't shut down when I want to sleep. If I write it down, I can let is dissolve.

Yes it's only a temporary fix, but it works enough for me to sit down and 'try' to think of my options.

I hate hospitals visits. I'm looking into a version of chemo I can do/administer at home or when i'm working or at a show i'm working at etc.

I don't want to have to stop my life and what I'm doing so I can shove pills down my throat that make me worse, and needles in my arm with stuff that feels like it's killing me quicker than the cancer.

I want things on MY terms.
I'M in control of the Cancer, It's not in control of me.

I'm not scared, I'm pissed off. This is a vent rather than a "waaaaaa someone cry with me"

Thank you for reading, Don't worry, You don't have to say anything, I don't expect it. Things like this make most people awkward and stop talking to me, so I'll understand if you decide to walk away.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
saya:
Yikes. So sorry you have to face this again. My fingers are crossed for you as well. XOXOOXOX
Dec 5, 2007
juliett:
I just wanted you to know that you have been on my mind, even though I didn't know who you were till today. I have gone back to your anon. post every so often to see if you had decided to say who you were and give an update. I am so glad that you did, and want you to know that I am sending out all my positive thoughts to you, and I have asked my family to pray for a quick recovery for you... I know that you are feeling confused, and don't know if you want to fight this battle, I just hope you know that I am rooting for you, not because I am selfish, but because the world needs to keep such strong beautiful women here!!
Dec 6, 2007

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