ladyofeve

Hey Everybody, none of my journals reflect the real me, and a huge part of me thinks it's really stupid to put your personal life on show, on a public journal, online. but there is a certain somebody that i wish would read this. I had it on xanga but now, i'm going to put it on here, or at least part of it.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I hadn't thought about it in a really long time. and it scares me that you are the reason why i thought about it. I told myself, NEVER AGAIN, but somehow there you were. The look on your face when i told you, i would go out with you was priceless, especially since you didnt think i could see it.

then it started happening. the bad feelings, sick feelings like i was going to hurl. I cried to you about it. told you i didnt want to fall for you, but was. I should have known better, i did know better but it was already to late. i had given you the one thing that hooks me to somebody. It has been two years since we first started talking and getting to know each other. and it has almost been a year since we broke up. I do not want to have your baby, there is no way i could take it, being that attached to you. It makes me feel sick, WHEN IT SHOULD BE ONE OF THE MOST HAPPIEST TIMES IN MY LIFE.

how am i supposed to be a good mother? how am i supposed to be stable for someone else when i am no where near it. I fucked up. really bad. i'm not supposed to be pregnant. How am I? how can this possibly turn out to be a good thing? It can't. and i feel so bad for saying it................I love him more than anything, almost even more than you. but of course it goes without saying, that he will always come before you, even though i might have stronger feelings for you. they are different feelings. Feelings a mother has for her son. Not the one she's in love with. Or is it even love? What the fuck is it?!?!?!

I don't know it just makes me sick. I can't sleep, I dont want to sleep, i want to sleep forever, but am to afraid of the dreams i would have. I want to tell you this more thna anything. I dont want to ever see you again. but then it hurts when i dont see you. If i could just run away never tlak to you again forget about you, start a new life, I would. But i cant. i am tied down forever.

*EDIT*

and i couldnt i wouldnt have the money. I dream to much. Reality bites it, right in the face. I would tell you these things but am way to scared to hurt your feelings that would be the last thing that i wanted to do. You are so sweet to me and put up wiht my shit. or do you only do it to keep the peace. I dont know you wont tell me. you say its because you like spending time with me (why would you), that you like being my friend. why would you. i dont know. I think i am going to just tell you i need a break, but would you understand. I do not want to hurt your feelings, but if what you say is true than it would. Maybe I will try anyway.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Well, I tried. It definetly didnt work out the way i wanted it to. It hurt way to much when you left, I think that's definetly why i wanted to do it over the phone. ggrrrrrrrr. This blows. You said you would call, when you got home. Maybe you got home to late. Though i wouldnt have minded if you did call. I need to get used to waking up in the middle of the night anyways. But here you are, online, either not noticing i am on , or avoiding talking to me. I don't know, there is something about you i dont trust. But you cried when i told oyu i didnt want to see you anymore. Why? Because i'm pregnant? No, you say its because you care. I miss the old days. i wish i would have known they would never happen again. (Old days meaning like 14 and up) I would have cherished them alot more. And would have stop being so god damned depressed and bitchy.... jeez. i thought i had it bad. Maybe i just have a problem. i've ben trying to seek help. But i only get peace of mind in intervals throughout my life, that usually last about 5 minutes, only when i realize something that i should know through life. maybe i should start writing them down.

You're not talking to me. Oh well. I'm so tired.

~ Fall depresses me


On a lighter note, something fun I stole from submissive:

( ) I've Never Been Drunk
( ) I've Never Smoked Pot
( ) I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
( ) I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car
(x) I've Never Been To Japan
(x ) I've Never Been In A Taxi
( ) I've Never Been In Love
( ) I've Never Had Sex In Public
( ) I've Never Been Dumped
(x) I've Never Done Cocaine
( ) I've Never Shoplifted
(x) I've Never Been Fired
(x) I've Never Been In A Fist Fight
( ) I've Never Had Group Intercourse (threesome)
( ) I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House
(x) I've Never Been Tied Up
( ) I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
(x) I've Never Been Arrested
(x) I've Never Made Out With A Stranger
( ) I've Never Stolen Something From My Job
(x) I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
(x) I've Never Gone On A Blind Date
( ) I've Never Lied To A Friend
(x) I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
(x) I've Never Celebrated Mardi-Gras In New Orleans
(x) I've Never Been To Europe
( ) I've Never Skipped School
(x) I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker
( ) I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose
(x) I've Never Had Sex At The Office
(x) I've Never Been Married
(x) I've Never Been Divorced
( ) I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
( ) I've Never Posed Nude
(x) I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
(x) I've Never Killed Anyone
( ) I've Never Received a hickey From My Sex Partner
(x) I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar
( ) I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
(x) I've Never Eaten Sushi
(x) I've Never Been Snowboarding
( ) I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House
(x) I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
( ) I've Never Flashed Anyone

and this one from punknitemike:

1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any? Harley Davidson, from the previous owner
2) What posters do you have in your room? The Crow, Born of the Night, and dolphin blacklight ying yang
3) What do you hear right now? my computer running
4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be? water, then some kind of alcohol
5) Does anything hurt on your body right now? my ass
6) Ever take candy from someone? probably
7) Whats your job position called? mommy as of now
8) What size ring do you wear? it was a size 5, but then I gained twenty pounds and have no idea except that none of my rings fit now
9) Do you own a camera phone? with what money?
10) Whats your birthday? September 8th
11) What was your elementary schools mascot? my elementary school definetly didnt have a mascot
12) Whats your favorite bottled water? evian or fiji (i know thats stupid and i actually buy aquafina)
13) What's the next concert/show you're going to and when? Ha, maybe when my son is grown and i actually trust him to stay by himself for one night
14) What were you doing at 9 pm last night? i definetly cannot remember
15) Whats your favorite Starbucks drink? frozen mocha latte
16) Describe your sex life? non-existent
17) Did you attend your High School prom? junior year
18) Did you go to someone elses prom? yes
19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you? depends
SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:
20) Something red within 5 feet of you: box of wipes
21) Your last bag of chips? mike sells: sweet onion and sour cream
22) The weirdest thing you've seen this week? depends on your definition of weird
23) Ever done the Electric Slide? yea
24) How much French do you know? a little
25) Sparkly things? yes
26) Ever crash a car, been in accidents? hit two deer, does that count?
27) Do you look good in yellow? i think so
28) Do you sing? alone, to my son
29) Ever sang in front of a crowd? no
30) Do you dance? alone in my room
31) Is your hair its natural color? half of it
32) Do you exercise as much as you should? lol, no
33) Favorite kind of pizza? to tough of a question
34) Ever had Dippin Dots? hell yes
35) Ever make fun of a homeless person? yes, when they spend all there spare change on 40's, and ask you the same question when you walk by them for the 50th time like they didn't just ask it two seconds ago
36) How old were you when you got a cell phone? 17
37) How old were you when you got your first car? 17
38) How many tickets do u have? one, (*knock on wood*)
39) How long have you been driving? over a year
40) How many parking tickets? none
41) Do you own your own car? yup
42) Do you want to get married? sadly, yes
43) At what age do you want to get married? 25?
44) Have you ever been married? no
45) Have you ever received a restraining order? no
46) At what age do you want to have kids? well that one is kind of out of my hands
47) How many kids? maybe three total
48) Ketchup or Mustard? oh yea, catsup
49) When is the last time someone deleted you from their SG friends list? as far as i know never
50) How many times a week are you on SG? I couldn't tell ya

well i guess thats it. but who would actually be interested enough to read all that?