ladymayhem

I'm struggling with my seemingly compulsive obsession to keep taking things in order to escape my reality. And my reality isn't even bad, when i've been sober for a few weeks i feel brilliant - but I also feel as if i'm on a tight rope and i'm going to fall off at some stage so why not now? And then I just want to drink or take drugs and escape into that world of 'doesn't matter what i'm doing, i'm high - i'm simply enjoying things as they come. For some reason I think the only way to truly enjoy myself is to have my mind altered in some way. As in, yes sitting here by the pool is fantastic but how much better would it be if I had a cocktail? Things seem so much more fun, good things more likely to happen and my ability to deal with things heightens. And one thing is never enough, if I get drunk I either want sex or drugs or to be doing something outrageous, why can I not simply be happy by being productive and making my life better? Going to try work on that - actually try - I never really seem to, I don't seem to want to. And hedonism seems so glamorous to me for some reason.

The twirls of smoke and the look of red wine and that cheshire cat grin when the senses are being caressed.

The abandonment of responsibilities for a seemingly infinite measure of time, putting real life aside while wallowing in sensual pleasures...

The different thoughts and sensations that come from drugs/alcohol, so different from the dreary day to day monitoring of my mind about what i'm doing, what I should be doing, what i've completely fucked up recently.

I think I need a mentor... But one who has been through the same thing and can teach me balance.


Hmm.

I'm becoming a very boring person i've found, it worries me somewhat. I used to write with a lot of sarcasm and wit that was actually quite funny, now it's just serious ranting about cliche stuff.

Hopefully uni won't stress me too much and instead be beneficial this year.. I'm only doing two papers so it shouldn't be too much of a struggle. Anything to make me feel like i'm moving forward would be nice.

And good lord I would like a relationship - it's not healthy to have been single for three years, surely? I forget what it's like to have someone like me, really like me. And I forget what it's like to truly like someone and enjoy their company. Come on universe, send me something interesting...


I'm going to put up some photos from my world travels...