ladymayhem

Ok.

New and happier blog. Although i've relapsed with my M.E, and if you read my blog i really would appreciate you looking it up, it's hard having an invisible disease which has taken your hopes and dreams and having no one understand. Anyway, despite that I believe i've made some in roads into what i hope will be the start of not a new me, but a rawer one. As in cutting out all the bad parts and building up the parts of me that I and others do love. I find it very hard to grasp the concept of anyone caring about me. I understand that my parents do because they are my parents, however with other people.. This is not about me not seeing anything to love, I do see those things. I just can't feel it. I need to be reminded that what I say and do affect people. I can feel it when i give my mother and father thoughtful gifts and little bits of random love, but not with anyone else. I feel invisible. I should be more articulate but it's 3am. I don't feel the love or the support that I know is there. Do i not allow myself to feel it not thinking myself worthy? I'm not sure. I think that I may be too disengaged from people, I need to become closer to my friends and actually value them and be grateful to them for loving me. I feel vulnerable tonight because of an event in chat, how ridiculous. I have strong opinons about certain things and when people don't know ME they misinterpret my meanings. I find people to be very harsh in chat with a very strong group mentality. Also some people seem to be very insecure and find chat to be their one source of strength. Meaning it becomes a delicate situation when they feel threatened. They are very self-centered, as we all are, but more so I believe. Their need to feel vindicated of their worth by others is intense. I feel frustrated that I haven't let people on this site get to know me. I feel the need of love and understanding which I know people of all kinds are willing to give when I open up to them. I'm not talking about the site really, i suppose i mean life. I love my relationship with my parents because we understand our quirks, why we say such things, what we really mean, the subtle humour, the intelligent conversation. I am so grateful but i fear not enough? I have human parents, they havent been perfect, when i was very depressed they medicated me without doctors approval and I became addicted to anti-anxiety drugs. They gave me them for years because I was weak and I asked, only last year was I able to gather the strength to say no. And tell them they had acted badly but that I understood because all they saw was their child in pain constantly. This is a right rumble isn't it, i don't have a diary i'm afraid so here it all is, the thing is i dont really expect anyone to be reading this, lol. Ok so. Drug free now, had the hiccup with the meth which is now thankfully over. I'm grateful that i have a great deal of understanding about depression and illness and love, about why we do things because of these things, because it means i never judge people for haven been addicted to drugs or not made the wisest decisions in life. Walk in their shoes and then speak.

The main point of this rant is that i've rediscovered the wonders of life. The love, the enjoyment.. Relationships, books, gardening, self-discovery... tending to people with your love, affectionate trifles that mean so much. I have so much, and partly because I fought for it. Knowing that i can fight through everything is a gift. Anton says anyone with M.E is a verified warrior. When I heard that I cried. Because finally i was vindicated that i had strength. Because few people had believed I did. Thought me weak. When they never even saw the battle taking place. This may seem egotistical, it might be, i don't know.

I just know i'll fight through and see and know beautiful things and for that i'm thankful.