Okay I just really needed to vent....
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Alright James and I have technically been engaged since before he even got down on one knee and had a ring, you know the whole shebang. I was so happy I decided to let this slip on facebook, I mean we were already telling all of our friends and we were really enjoying ourselves; apparently this was a HUGE mistake.
I changed my status on facebook from 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' a week before thanksgiving and that same day, my fucking retarded older cousin Ashley had told my entire family, so by the end of the week everyone was excited and bombarding me, and my aunt reached straight for my hand, but like I said I didn't have a ring, so right off the bat it was awkward, it never once felt that way until my family and their way too conservative views butt their way once again into my fucking life.
So then by Christmas James had bought and surprised me with a ring, I was shocked, probably because I wasn't expecting it, because we are literally DIRT poor right now. So I was showing it off to everybody, thinking this gesture of normalcy would make everyone happy, I was acting smiley and happy to push it out there; well ever since then my cousin won't LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Now don't get me wrong I love gushing to James and my best friend about my wedding plans, but the second I tell anyone in my family what my plans are, they get this weird face and act shocked and disgusted and It just pisses me off.
Our wedding plans aren't even that shocking, we want to have a hand fasting ceremony, we want to have Chopin's Death March played on a violin for the processional, I want to wear a purple satin dress, we want to have it at dusk so that we can have it by candlelight, and the biggest shocker that my family seems to hate is that we are having our close friend officiate, I mean sure he calls himself a pastor of Zombism, but yeah.
I think it just boils down to the fact that I NEVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH. All I want to do is plan my own wedding, I don't care about what the in fashion of weddings are, I don't give a flying fuck about tradition and I'm definitely NOT worried about having to get married in a heartbeat because I let my 'religious' views make me feel guilty for wanting to be a human and fuck the man I love, like my *cough* good girl christian cousin, my whole family knows it, I have been with James for 3 years, she dated her husband for 8 months and they were married 3 months later. She can concoct any bullshit story she wants, we ALL KNOW.
Moving on, I naively thought who I trusted the most, my father above all people would understand, he is a christian but he went to prison when I was 6 for drug trafficking, he knows what its like to have your entire family just not understand you, your way of life, your decisions and so on; so I told him all of my plans, and he had the NERVE to tell me that I was letting James plan everything, mind you, James HATES weddings and wants nothing to do with planning anything but the food (like a normal man, ha ha) and then my dad just went on and on, telling me that I was a creatively dark soul who he prayed for and he believed that if I used my creativity for lightness that I would lead a much happier life in the lord.
God it just makes me sick, I feel like my family is constantly judging me, I feel like they don't even see how uncomfortable I am around them now, that I don't even miss having them in my life.
I am keeping my ideas away from my grandmother because I just don't think I could deal with her passive aggressive negativity right now, I think I might snap. When I had pink and blue synthetic dreads, she would cup my face in her hands and tell me how much she loved me, but then she would ask me why I couldn't get my normal hair back and made a point to tell me how pretty I had looked before.
I just want to be accepted. I never judged anyone or idea during my cousins engagement/wedding, I sat through the entire wedding, while she shoved fifty bible verses down my throat.
Alright James and I have technically been engaged since before he even got down on one knee and had a ring, you know the whole shebang. I was so happy I decided to let this slip on facebook, I mean we were already telling all of our friends and we were really enjoying ourselves; apparently this was a HUGE mistake.
I changed my status on facebook from 'in a relationship' to 'engaged' a week before thanksgiving and that same day, my fucking retarded older cousin Ashley had told my entire family, so by the end of the week everyone was excited and bombarding me, and my aunt reached straight for my hand, but like I said I didn't have a ring, so right off the bat it was awkward, it never once felt that way until my family and their way too conservative views butt their way once again into my fucking life.
So then by Christmas James had bought and surprised me with a ring, I was shocked, probably because I wasn't expecting it, because we are literally DIRT poor right now. So I was showing it off to everybody, thinking this gesture of normalcy would make everyone happy, I was acting smiley and happy to push it out there; well ever since then my cousin won't LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Now don't get me wrong I love gushing to James and my best friend about my wedding plans, but the second I tell anyone in my family what my plans are, they get this weird face and act shocked and disgusted and It just pisses me off.
Our wedding plans aren't even that shocking, we want to have a hand fasting ceremony, we want to have Chopin's Death March played on a violin for the processional, I want to wear a purple satin dress, we want to have it at dusk so that we can have it by candlelight, and the biggest shocker that my family seems to hate is that we are having our close friend officiate, I mean sure he calls himself a pastor of Zombism, but yeah.
I think it just boils down to the fact that I NEVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH. All I want to do is plan my own wedding, I don't care about what the in fashion of weddings are, I don't give a flying fuck about tradition and I'm definitely NOT worried about having to get married in a heartbeat because I let my 'religious' views make me feel guilty for wanting to be a human and fuck the man I love, like my *cough* good girl christian cousin, my whole family knows it, I have been with James for 3 years, she dated her husband for 8 months and they were married 3 months later. She can concoct any bullshit story she wants, we ALL KNOW.
Moving on, I naively thought who I trusted the most, my father above all people would understand, he is a christian but he went to prison when I was 6 for drug trafficking, he knows what its like to have your entire family just not understand you, your way of life, your decisions and so on; so I told him all of my plans, and he had the NERVE to tell me that I was letting James plan everything, mind you, James HATES weddings and wants nothing to do with planning anything but the food (like a normal man, ha ha) and then my dad just went on and on, telling me that I was a creatively dark soul who he prayed for and he believed that if I used my creativity for lightness that I would lead a much happier life in the lord.
God it just makes me sick, I feel like my family is constantly judging me, I feel like they don't even see how uncomfortable I am around them now, that I don't even miss having them in my life.
I am keeping my ideas away from my grandmother because I just don't think I could deal with her passive aggressive negativity right now, I think I might snap. When I had pink and blue synthetic dreads, she would cup my face in her hands and tell me how much she loved me, but then she would ask me why I couldn't get my normal hair back and made a point to tell me how pretty I had looked before.
I just want to be accepted. I never judged anyone or idea during my cousins engagement/wedding, I sat through the entire wedding, while she shoved fifty bible verses down my throat.
For those of you who read...thank-you.
I just wish I felt accepted and loved by the people that mean the most to me, it kind of crushes my spirit but by god I want to be myself above all, I guess I am just going to have to push through.... 
Brittney.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Why are you super anxious?
Do things your way. Whats important is you are marrying the man you love. If they don't like it, they don't have to be there. It's their choice.