well,here it is. i think i finally made the step.
not the last one..but surely much more than what i expected.
i've been kinda obsessed by collecting all kinds of things, during all these years..and having to display everything i had. writing and updating on every little stupidity i committed, while missin much more important tasks.
i think i hate myself so much and fear being judged.. yet year for others' attention..that i begun fullfilling my life with meaningless collections and stuff..just for having an excuse.. it's like "since they don't like me as a person, at least they'll like me because of the things i have"..
it's patologic, i had to fill my bedroom with all sorts of things, so that... in the "event of someone coming in...so they can see how many things i have" ..
but comeon.. how are peoples supposed to come visit me ..when all i do is collecting stuff and nothing else?
i've had this journal since when i was 8 or 9 years old.
it's full of magazines' pieces,photos and the likes. even old cigarette packages that i stole from my highschool "love" . i was collecting others' life.
if you could read that journAL you'd never learn a single thing about my real life. there's nothing in there about me.about the few important things that ever happened to me.
it's a boring serie of "today i woke up did this and eat this and then watched this on the tv".
i remember i even passed months wiothout ever updating it.
but i never ever thought i could live without.
yesterday..finally. the day arrived. the day in which i discovered i didn't need it anymore. that it was being a burden ..and i couldn't stand it anymore. it has become useless.
no more false mirrors. only me.
i've got my head full of ideas and expectations. projects..everything.
i guess my personal winter finally reached an end.
and i don't wanna worry about whether or not this will last or for how much time i'll feel good. waste of time. as long as i feel ok, nothing else matters.
i got a new life. i got my life, to live.
i'm just like everyone else. ok,wiser.. and more deep
(hihihih)..but i'm not goin' to fear every single min again.
i even trashed all the stickers i had on my desk. another stupid collection.. musictape stickers ..all over my desk. all gone. they've been there for 10 years. tiome to get rid of past manias.
i'm full.
and i got a new sketchbook ^^ hihi it's great, with a black leather hard cover. and its pages are bright white, just like my future. i'm starting to draw and write it myself. just like my life.
oh, about this : i've REALLY started writing my book again. not to sound arrogant. but i'm using horror atmospheres and matrix-like douobts ... as a cover. the real key is a long explanation on life's stages and minds' tricks. or something like that.
i'm in love with myself.
and i'm goin' to paste this everywhere.
i love you all.
V.
not the last one..but surely much more than what i expected.
i've been kinda obsessed by collecting all kinds of things, during all these years..and having to display everything i had. writing and updating on every little stupidity i committed, while missin much more important tasks.
i think i hate myself so much and fear being judged.. yet year for others' attention..that i begun fullfilling my life with meaningless collections and stuff..just for having an excuse.. it's like "since they don't like me as a person, at least they'll like me because of the things i have"..
it's patologic, i had to fill my bedroom with all sorts of things, so that... in the "event of someone coming in...so they can see how many things i have" ..
but comeon.. how are peoples supposed to come visit me ..when all i do is collecting stuff and nothing else?
i've had this journal since when i was 8 or 9 years old.
it's full of magazines' pieces,photos and the likes. even old cigarette packages that i stole from my highschool "love" . i was collecting others' life.
if you could read that journAL you'd never learn a single thing about my real life. there's nothing in there about me.about the few important things that ever happened to me.
it's a boring serie of "today i woke up did this and eat this and then watched this on the tv".
i remember i even passed months wiothout ever updating it.
but i never ever thought i could live without.
yesterday..finally. the day arrived. the day in which i discovered i didn't need it anymore. that it was being a burden ..and i couldn't stand it anymore. it has become useless.
no more false mirrors. only me.
i've got my head full of ideas and expectations. projects..everything.
i guess my personal winter finally reached an end.
and i don't wanna worry about whether or not this will last or for how much time i'll feel good. waste of time. as long as i feel ok, nothing else matters.
i got a new life. i got my life, to live.
i'm just like everyone else. ok,wiser.. and more deep
(hihihih)..but i'm not goin' to fear every single min again.
i even trashed all the stickers i had on my desk. another stupid collection.. musictape stickers ..all over my desk. all gone. they've been there for 10 years. tiome to get rid of past manias.
i'm full.
and i got a new sketchbook ^^ hihi it's great, with a black leather hard cover. and its pages are bright white, just like my future. i'm starting to draw and write it myself. just like my life.
oh, about this : i've REALLY started writing my book again. not to sound arrogant. but i'm using horror atmospheres and matrix-like douobts ... as a cover. the real key is a long explanation on life's stages and minds' tricks. or something like that.
i'm in love with myself.
and i'm goin' to paste this everywhere.
i love you all.
V.
~Dan
~Dan