I am not really happy to be back in Van. I missed my cat but I have already heard and witnessed frustration/frustrating behavior that made me want to run back to the airport and hop the next plane and get back to CA where I am immersed in a positive, inspiring environment.
I was really hoping for a nice reunion with Tore. I really missed him, and knew he missed me, but I was met-not even in the airport-he didn't even bother to park, but ended up stopping in a tow zone and then screaming at me over the phone WHERE WAS I HURRY UP AND GET OUTSIDE WHY DID HE LET ME ROPE HIM INTO PICKING ME UP AND THIS WAS A FUCKING RIDICULOUS PLACE WHY DIDN"T I GET MY PARENTS TO PICK ME UP.
Hum. Ok.
picto interrupto- me onthe Larkspur ferry-some chinese laundry too
So. Instead of being met at arrivals and being embraced I haul my shit outside and cry the whole way home in the passenger seat, while he rails on & on. I know this situation is so entirely my fault. No scratch that. His behavior has nothing to do with me. He is immature and selfish. I choose to keep putting myself in that situation. I was just SO hoping to warrant warmth and affection and a reunion with somebody I care for so deeply that my hope for change overrides any sense of reason. I know things will never change. When will I? When am I going to love myself enough that I am able to withstand the loneliness of not being with him, in order to move forward.
-picto interrupto pt.2- I took these of my friend Justina-
Sometimes hopes like that get dashed because friends connect around you, and forge bonds that exclude, without even knowing it....but what can I do??? I'm so ashamed and troubled my reactions to a connection between two acquaintances of mine. And honestly, I had hoped she would have been more forthcoming with making arrangements to spend tome together before leaving town, too. It just makes one feel....I don't even know. Maybe you're not such a great friend after all. You'll learn as you get older and less drunk, how wise you are not.
I'm feeling a little ridiculous stating this in a public blog, but shit, I just don't have the energy to message you personally. Sorray &hearts
I digress
oh hawky, come here for head scritchies...
Oh Possums how i loves yer 50 teefs so shiny
Continue rant
I want to finish my degree at CalArts. I am soooo intrigued by this school. Why should a disability and heavy dependence on government assisted living, and the fact I can't tie my own fucking shoes keep me from moving to CA and actually enjoying school. ECIAD is for assholes, it is a horrible school. I felt so tied to completing my degree there but fuck it.
Dear mom & Dad get off your depressive fat asses and do something to change your lives. Mom you're so great and could be greater if you would ask for help and not think you need to bottle everything... dad, you suck, but could maybe suck less with an ego check, ahhhh fuck it. yer 67 and dead set on ignoring your diabetes so just go drink your Wildcat Strong beer. There might be hope, or you could just ignore that possibility and die. I think death is a way easier option for you because you are halfway there already hey, with your tissue paper thin skin, black blood and carcinoma'd ear.
Ahhhh, no more negativity, please!!
Here's a good thing-I can't wait-my friend wants to collaborate and use my jewelry designs-and then continue working together developing new work. She's very well represented in galleries across the US so this is an opp to seize. One of us in Canada and one in US means more exposure and sales options.
Goal list for September:
&Hearts Contact Cal Arts (and other schools in Canada too), for: transfer credit reqs, funding opportunities, admission reqs.
&hearts complete painting for my friends wedding next week
&hearts photograph previous jewelry designs that I've actualized
&hearts package presentation of jewelry designs for Jeannie, mail
&hearts Resume & Cover letter updates.
&hearts survey job listings of non-profit orgs for new work
&hearts write-up program for new activities with Soleyn
&hearts have a garage sale to get rid of boxes of useless stuff.
I was really hoping for a nice reunion with Tore. I really missed him, and knew he missed me, but I was met-not even in the airport-he didn't even bother to park, but ended up stopping in a tow zone and then screaming at me over the phone WHERE WAS I HURRY UP AND GET OUTSIDE WHY DID HE LET ME ROPE HIM INTO PICKING ME UP AND THIS WAS A FUCKING RIDICULOUS PLACE WHY DIDN"T I GET MY PARENTS TO PICK ME UP.
Hum. Ok.
picto interrupto- me onthe Larkspur ferry-some chinese laundry too
So. Instead of being met at arrivals and being embraced I haul my shit outside and cry the whole way home in the passenger seat, while he rails on & on. I know this situation is so entirely my fault. No scratch that. His behavior has nothing to do with me. He is immature and selfish. I choose to keep putting myself in that situation. I was just SO hoping to warrant warmth and affection and a reunion with somebody I care for so deeply that my hope for change overrides any sense of reason. I know things will never change. When will I? When am I going to love myself enough that I am able to withstand the loneliness of not being with him, in order to move forward.
-picto interrupto pt.2- I took these of my friend Justina-
Sometimes hopes like that get dashed because friends connect around you, and forge bonds that exclude, without even knowing it....but what can I do??? I'm so ashamed and troubled my reactions to a connection between two acquaintances of mine. And honestly, I had hoped she would have been more forthcoming with making arrangements to spend tome together before leaving town, too. It just makes one feel....I don't even know. Maybe you're not such a great friend after all. You'll learn as you get older and less drunk, how wise you are not.
I'm feeling a little ridiculous stating this in a public blog, but shit, I just don't have the energy to message you personally. Sorray &hearts
I digress
oh hawky, come here for head scritchies...
Oh Possums how i loves yer 50 teefs so shiny
Continue rant
I want to finish my degree at CalArts. I am soooo intrigued by this school. Why should a disability and heavy dependence on government assisted living, and the fact I can't tie my own fucking shoes keep me from moving to CA and actually enjoying school. ECIAD is for assholes, it is a horrible school. I felt so tied to completing my degree there but fuck it.
Dear mom & Dad get off your depressive fat asses and do something to change your lives. Mom you're so great and could be greater if you would ask for help and not think you need to bottle everything... dad, you suck, but could maybe suck less with an ego check, ahhhh fuck it. yer 67 and dead set on ignoring your diabetes so just go drink your Wildcat Strong beer. There might be hope, or you could just ignore that possibility and die. I think death is a way easier option for you because you are halfway there already hey, with your tissue paper thin skin, black blood and carcinoma'd ear.
Ahhhh, no more negativity, please!!
Here's a good thing-I can't wait-my friend wants to collaborate and use my jewelry designs-and then continue working together developing new work. She's very well represented in galleries across the US so this is an opp to seize. One of us in Canada and one in US means more exposure and sales options.
Goal list for September:
&Hearts Contact Cal Arts (and other schools in Canada too), for: transfer credit reqs, funding opportunities, admission reqs.
&hearts complete painting for my friends wedding next week
&hearts photograph previous jewelry designs that I've actualized
&hearts package presentation of jewelry designs for Jeannie, mail
&hearts Resume & Cover letter updates.
&hearts survey job listings of non-profit orgs for new work
&hearts write-up program for new activities with Soleyn
&hearts have a garage sale to get rid of boxes of useless stuff.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
trixie:
for you in-growns i recommend that you scrub the holy hell out of your vag each day in the shower. And then rub some Tend Skin on it, a lovely lil' crotch toner that works wonders. And then play with some kittens.
piksy:
im still waiting, and yes definitely tired of it. only 9 days until my due date. i hope baby comes sooner than that though.