I spend my days wandering, never looking for anything in particular but hoping to find something that will fill this hole. I spend most nights crying but never entirely figuring out what the tears are for. The nights when I drink myself to a blackout, or take enough codeine to give me that little high, the air of indifference, the tears dont come, only lucid dreams of whats beyond this, of seeing him, finally, on the other side, where soulmates eventually re-unite. The doctors call it hyper-focusing obsessing so strongly over something, or in my case someone, that all other things take a backseat. I spent most of last night trying to understand my diagnosis, find ways to make it easier to deal with, and prepare myself for the appointment next week. I cant afford the medication, but I know there are generic versions of different stimulants, that are definately more affordable and am arming myself with the information to demand a prescription for the affordable alternative. I also spent last night wondering if settling for mediocrity is actually as bad as I think it is. Sure, I am very unhappy in my marriage, my career. Sure I am unequivocally in love with a man who will never love me, who is dying, who doesnt want me, never will. Is staying together for the kids going to kill me? Not physically. By association maybe. Emotionally definitely. These thoughts confuse me. I cant imagine living in a loveless marriage my entire life. I feel sometimes I would rather be alone. Continue with my boyfriends, if only for physical intimacy. He was right when he said I hate hearing no. I hate hearing it from him. I always dreamed when I found that one I felt this way about, it would be a fairy tale like the books, and we would run away together. Its not my reality, it never will be, so I will continue to wander.
and this....
What of the laugh that
Filled this room, the smile
Reminds of spring in
Bloom?
Disappeared like a wisp
Of something not surely seen
From the words so hateful
Undeserving and vicious
From a heart blackened from
Years of unjustly circumstances
The contradictory word
Sun up sun down
Love in my heart
Hate in his crown
And just who did
You think you were saving?
Surely not me!
Is death after love not surely
better than hate before it?
To trade a moment of bliss
For years of hate
Fulfills the space in me
Whatever happened to
The smile like
Spring in bloom?
Rumor has it, its
run from the room
A waxen face frozen in time
A sadness filled
A heart once divine
Eyes that reveal heartbreak
Behind
And tears that ran
Dry.
Goodbye
I think my SG is expiring. So feel free to pm me for my email info :d
