l1vingdeadgurl

Not necessity, not desire - no, the love of power is the demon of men. Let them have everything - health, food, a place to live, entertainment - they are and remain unhappy and low-spirited: for the demon waits and waits and will be satisfied.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I wonder sometimes if other people have the same thoughts about other people as I do. If things that cause deep emotion in others "normal" people, intrigue me or at the least cause a muted reaction. How things that would cause indifference in most people cause a strong reaction in me. I wonder why and how I could have fallen in love with someone who I didn't know, who never cared and was pretty nasty to me before he passed. It's like it didn't matter and it really should have. I wonder what it all means.

Step four.

I relapsed again, it seems like a pattern. I don't think I am even quitting really. I stop for a few days, get all high on my horse thinking " I can do this no problem" then I have a bad day at work, a fight with the one I love, and worst of all the memories come back- the ones of Si, his letters, his poetry and stories. I will see something or hear something and out of the blue I see his face and its too much to bear. So I pick up where I left off. I haven't found that something to make me care. I am sure it has to do with my mental illness, with the anxiety or ADHD or whatever the diagnosis is today.

I have been on her sporadically at best. Not that I don't love all my friends on here, I just am so fucking low all I do is work (and suffer), read, drink, hit up and sleep. Then I start the cycle all over again.

I think my membership expires soon, I am not sure about renewing it. I feel like such a cheat to everyone because I don't participate the way I used to.

I dont know.