l1vingdeadgurl

It's funny how a day, a week, even a
month can change things. You fall in and out of love (or maybe it was just lust) and trip over that addictive and treacherous love fence again only to wind up in the hypothetical empty road again, your heart a mangled fucking disaster. You can go way up (thank you pharmaceuticals) and bring you way the hell down ( death of a best friend, dissapearence of another, a grossly underpaid and total human right violation job, enter stage left). Last week I wore sunglasses, you know the ones that cops wear, mirrored and protected, while I was driving to work so I could cry without being noticed. It was my safe place where I could be myself. I stared out the window constantly. I did not- for the first time ever- did not dress up for Halloween, a silent internal protest for Si's death.
Rock bottom was coming fast and I had to get out because he wasn't coming back. So back on the pharma's I go, after 6 months of drug and booze free sobriety.
What this day makes, I am on cloud 9 and holding. For the first time since he died, I feel he's still here and I want that feeling to stay.