l1vingdeadgurl

I cant stand to fly
Im not that naive
Im just out to find
The better part of me
Im more than a birdIm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
Its not easy to be me
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home Ill never see
It may sound absurdbut dont be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbedbut wont you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
Its not easy to be me

I guess in my last blog I posed the question What would you wish? After this weekend I think I would wish to be anybody but me. I am about to have a heartbroken rant here so you may not want to read.

What does a broken heart sound like? It sounds like a building imploding, a bridge collapsing, the cold winter wind and the chaos of a train station. It sounds like the screams of nightmares, the terror of falling and the splat of your body hitting the ground.

I have this build up of anger and hatred to those who have used me, in the past. Those who have charmed me into feeling like a silly fucking schoolgirl with her first crush. Those who have called me on those lonely nights when they have had no fucking body else and I came running. Those who I have shared my most private secrets with, my love with and my body with. Those who then run off with my fucking best friend and get married happily ever after and have a baby together. The picture perfect fucking family.

Those who send me endless emails telling me they want me, that I am beautiful and sexy and blah fucking blah. A whole lot of bullshit. The very bullshit I fall for EVERY FUCKING TIME because he is beautiful and charming and has the most deepest blue eyes. Then abrubtly stop calling, emailing and even making contact with me at all with no reason. Only to start this whole fucking bullshit routine over again.

The one who I married, because I felt so undesirable, so unwanted and so used by every man in my life. Yet again another charming and successful man who I had absolute nothing in common with. A man who I fooled myself into feeling a love for when really all I felt was respect and need. The need to not be alone, to be taken care of and have my kids have the life I never ever had. The man who I have grown to care about but not love, the one who I feel like kicking in the face every time he opens his fucking mouth about yet another thing I have done wrong. The one who makes me feel like a failure, like a nothing, like an insignifigant. The man who has put me in a rock and a hard place, the man who makes me feel like I want THE way out. The only way out.

Finally the man I fell in love with, mostly because I am a stupid idiot and niave and foolish and basically just needed someone to understand me, someone I had things in common with. Someone who would talk me out of the stupid shit and be proud of me for my accompishments. Who could accept me who I was. The man who never cared and never loved me and told me he never would. Yet I persisted believing that some day, some how, things were going to change. That I would be a better person and he would love me and maybe, just fucking MAYBE I might be happy in love again. The one I destroyed myself for, for absolutely nothing but a broken heart that I FUCKING KNEW WAS COMING.
Now how does a heart break? Not in half, not in a quarter. It shatters like a million pieces of glass.

Its unfortunate the choices I have made, because I have now no heart to care about anyone anymore. Yes its dramatic but LIKE I FUCKING CARE right now. I want to die alone, I want to die now. I want to be somewhere things like love dont matter. Things like jobs and finances and lawyers and divorces dont matter. A place where I am not bitched at constantly for not being a good wife a good mother. A place where friends are real and dont abandon you. Where friendship is 50/50 and not one sided. Yes thank you Todd for being a fuck of a friend. Thank you Sarah for moving away and forgetting about me. Thank you Trish for constantly telling me I should not care about who I love and just work on my marriage WHICH SUCKS. Thank you Hope for never answering your phone when I need you.Thank you ex-boyfriend and sperm donor for getting me pregnant and convincing me its going to be "OKAY" and having me drop out of school and give up my dream only to fucking abandon me after getting me pregnant a second time for some slut in another province you DIDNT EVEN KNOW! And for all of my other so called friends who only come around when their is a party or booze or drugs. I place where I can't cry because I dont care.

I really needed to get this (and a good cry) out of my system. I hope I am back tomorrow. And if you made it this far thanks for reading...