l1vingdeadgurl

I think I am high.... My behaviour of the last few months has been inexcusable and I have finally be called out on it. So I took what was left of my Ativan and just hoped it would go away. That this really wouldn't be happening- that I was 19 again and could start all over. My chest hurts from holding in the tears. I don't want to cry in front of my mom. Tell her that her "perfect" daughter has been fucking up her "perfect" life for months now. That her husband is at the end of his rope and has the divorce papers filled out. That she will not survive without his support. I have been called out to make a decision- a serious "i'm not fucking around with you anymore" decision. Do I want the carefree no responsibility life that I think I want? Do I want the family life that I should be happy with? Do I even want to be here, alive, suffering? I can't decide and I need to. I know my first step is to find another job. I need a job where I am not home alone during the week with no one around. I have no self control and once alone let my mind wander places it shouldn't. This will be my first task. Beyond that I dont know....