l1vingdeadgurl

I am starting to feel like there is no one in the world that understands me. Ok so maybe I am high mantainence, self centered at times and its always about me. I am so frustrated and the one person in my life who is supposed to support me unconditionally just doesn't fucking GET IT. I am tired of walking on eggshells in fear I may have an argument to come home to, or that I have done something wrong. Its like I am always doing something wrong. How about telling me when I have done something right? If it ever happens in your eyes. When I was younger I had a really shitty shitty life. I moved out when I was 16 and pretty much have been making it on my own since then. I worked full time, and finished school. When I thought about getting married I thought it would be something I have always dreamed of. Foolish? Maybe? Nothing in my life has worked out the way I wanted it to. In fact nothing I do is because I want to. This may be because of foolish choices I made when I was younger (such as having kids at a young age). I do everything for my kids, for my husband but nothing for me. I took this shitty horrible retail job because my husband told me I HAD TO find a job ASAP. Now I have never been so miserable in my entire life. I have been cutting myself more, taking more medication than prescribed to basically numb the pain inside. I feel like I have no one to talk to because my husband says "you need to get over the fact your childhood and twenties weren't what you wanted them to be and just grow up and do what you have to do". What about what I WANT to do? Or he tells me to go to therapy again. I wonder how many therapy sessions it will take to brainwash me into being satisfied with a mediocre life? An unhappy life? A life where I am not always seeking. Looking for something to fill the void in my heart.