Sunday night I sat in ShiSha reading Zinns book. Across from me at a table was a friend of Math Adams that Id seen before, but never been introduced to per se, nor spoken to. He physically reminds me of Christoph, an Austrian exchange student I knew in high school and for a few years afterwards and who I had quite the crush on. One of the warmest, kindest people I have ever met, and beautiful to boot. Anyway, this guy looks like Christoph, and so immediately and without conscious choice, I find myself attracted to him, and baffled by the resemblance to my old friend. He sits next to a lovely woman, tall with long dark hair and pale skin, smart eyes. They read next to each other, sharing space and occasionally a line they like, but emerged in different books. I like watching them read. But more than that, I like watching him look at her. It felt so voyeuristic, but so lovely. This man looking at this woman was incredible. He has quite beautiful eyes as is, but when hed look at her, his face and eyes would change. There was desire, lust, appreciation, infatuation, overwhelming tenderness and want. If this guy isnt madly in love with this woman, hes one helluva deceiver. He seemed almost not to be able to contain his passion for her; it beamed from him. And oh, his smile Ill be damned if it wasnt one of the most beautiful things Ive ever been privy to witness.
I dont see people look at each other with that much want enough. My life should be exposed to such beautiful things more often.
Strangely, while I found myself craving eyes that might regard me with the same expressions, I must admit that often, when they do, I am not moved. Though I understand this, as sometimes I am wanted by someone I do not want back. An awful place to be. Wish I could say it was because Im so picky - which I am. But thats not the reason. Id be a fool to turn away the affections of some people, but I do nonetheless. And its because its me just not wanting that. Not wanting commitment, not willing to give it, and not wanting to accept it either.
Why am I so contented to be alone? Why have I always been?
Why does commitment feel like suffocation to me? Even when its the most open and tolerant commitment possible?!
Or is it the people and not the commitment that I back away from?
But then again, I cannot imagine any person, cannot create any ideal image of a human with whom I would be wanton to spend the rest of my life in a committed relationship. So maybe its not the people.
Most likely, its a bit of both.
Yet it often seems that Im just not built for partnership and companionship. Built for passion, yes, for encounters, yes, for love, yes. But for a partner? A husband? For a lifetime? For these things, I am sorely unfit.
At least, for now Im always hesitant to speak for the future. Who the hell knows? Maybe some hormones will change, or simply with life experience Ill grow a preference for company and commitment. Or maybe Ill be dead before that happens. In any case, no sense worrying about it, I dont suppose.
Besides, Im quite happy with my person, and accepting of my qualities. Not that there arent some Im working on changing, but the core of my values, I think, are quite good indeed. And Im most concerned with how I see them, and not so much how others do. So for the moment, Im doing ok.
I think.
Always tough to know. Im so fucking skeptical, especially of positive things. I think Im becoming a pessimist. Or a more realistic realist. Or maybe its just a fucking phase. :-)
I dont see people look at each other with that much want enough. My life should be exposed to such beautiful things more often.
Strangely, while I found myself craving eyes that might regard me with the same expressions, I must admit that often, when they do, I am not moved. Though I understand this, as sometimes I am wanted by someone I do not want back. An awful place to be. Wish I could say it was because Im so picky - which I am. But thats not the reason. Id be a fool to turn away the affections of some people, but I do nonetheless. And its because its me just not wanting that. Not wanting commitment, not willing to give it, and not wanting to accept it either.
Why am I so contented to be alone? Why have I always been?
Why does commitment feel like suffocation to me? Even when its the most open and tolerant commitment possible?!
Or is it the people and not the commitment that I back away from?
But then again, I cannot imagine any person, cannot create any ideal image of a human with whom I would be wanton to spend the rest of my life in a committed relationship. So maybe its not the people.
Most likely, its a bit of both.
Yet it often seems that Im just not built for partnership and companionship. Built for passion, yes, for encounters, yes, for love, yes. But for a partner? A husband? For a lifetime? For these things, I am sorely unfit.
At least, for now Im always hesitant to speak for the future. Who the hell knows? Maybe some hormones will change, or simply with life experience Ill grow a preference for company and commitment. Or maybe Ill be dead before that happens. In any case, no sense worrying about it, I dont suppose.
Besides, Im quite happy with my person, and accepting of my qualities. Not that there arent some Im working on changing, but the core of my values, I think, are quite good indeed. And Im most concerned with how I see them, and not so much how others do. So for the moment, Im doing ok.
I think.
Always tough to know. Im so fucking skeptical, especially of positive things. I think Im becoming a pessimist. Or a more realistic realist. Or maybe its just a fucking phase. :-)