kyshak

ahhh yes it's 10:40 in the morning and i have had yet another bout with my insomnia...yes if i had a affliction it would that...bad thing is the shit just happens whenever the fuck it wants..so i have been trying to fix my moms pc...she has got so much spyware and adware on here it is asstounding...think i have pretty much gotten most of it out of here..ahh yes java my life giving liquid...gotta love it...so i have been sitting here for the past 12 or so hours thinking and tooling around on the computer...and the only thing that i have come up with other than just some dumb fucking websites is that....i am one fucked up individual...i cling on to shit like it was a life preserver and im in the middle of the damn atlantic...now what im talking about here is my ex...she has finally told me that she is dating this guy, who is a ok guy i guess don't really know him, but the thing about it is is that i WAS cool about it...till tonight when i was looking at a drawing that i did of her...and i started thinking about how she used to make me feel and it just fucking snowballed from there....and the other bad thing is is that i really like hanging out with her and just talking to her and bieng with her...but i cant hang out with her if im still feeling this way... can i? and not just want to bust the fuck out and talk to her about stuff she doesnt want to talk about, mainly us, christ and dont get me going on the whole jealously thing that starts going when i think of her kissing or doing anything more with him....AAARGH!! now that drives me fucking nuts...dear readers i am in a conundrum...if i still feel this way about her i dont think that i should hang out with her, just for the simple fact that i know with my big ass mouth and the need to be blunt as a baseball bat i know im going to say or ask something that will want her to stop hanging out with me....bah why in the hell can't i just get over her already and be on with my life....i thought i was for awhile but last night just kinda fucked me...im hoping its the sleep dep and coffee overload...and the other thing on my mind is that one of my best friends is leaving in like 2 weeks for training in GA...and its starting to scare me that im going to miss her more than im letting on...she has been a real good friend to me over the past few months and i dont have a lot of people i can rely on (that are like within 5 miles of me) hey at least this isnt another one of my drunken ramblings...so i guess i have that....hell people my mind feels like scrambled eggs...with no cheese even...and were left in the car for week in arizonia heat...just wish a magic angry little man ,smoking marlboros, would come a long and hit me upside the head and say something that would get me straight...hell i know shes not coming back to me...but theres that little part of me that keeps saying...and normally right before i go to bed..."hey maybe she will be here in the morning."
sorry for the lack of questions as of late but i have a motto i live by "If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the fucking question." well im off to shower and go get my check...maybe try to lose myself in some comics.

end transmission - kyshak