kyshak

i wrote this to her for a our two year anniversary...i had put it in a little brown leather frame with little embossed flowers on it, it just made my think of how i liked to just sit and watch her...now i am not a writer by any strech of the imagination but i thought it was at least worthy to send her....she was the writer in our little duo...

"my heart"

I think about the time when i first kissed you

And my heart swells

I think about the time i failed miserably to serenade you

And my heart swells

I think about the time when we first made love

And my heart swells

I think about the time when i first made you laugh

And my heart swells

I think about the times we looked at the stars and dreamed

And my heart swells

I think about times you looked to me to hold you while you wept

And my heart swells

I think about the times that you would just sit and look at me

And my heart swells

And just when I thought my chest could not contain my love for you

I think about the time when you said "I do"

And my heart bursts and I just can't contain my love for you



well there it is...i dont know if she ever got her present and if she didnt then maybe that was some sort of cosmic fate telling me that i just need to stop trying...but as i stand right now i just want to get to school and i just hope that one day, maybe in the future....sigh....to tell you the truth im tired of worring about the future...i have my dreams and i feel i am on my way to finally acheving those dreams...for once in my life. I watched a movie last night called Kiss Kiss Bang Bang...and while i thought it was one of Robert Downey Jrs finest and funniest movies..he also had a monolouge in it when he was talking to harmoney outside the hotel that really kind of made since to me...he went on about how he never finished anything in his life and how he was finally tired of just running away from things...and as i have done a lot of soul searching and replaying of my past misdeeds and crimes over the past few months, i realized i was kind of like the character of Harry Lockhart...he has done some bad stuff but he always kind of had his heart in the right place, IE stealing a toy for his nephew for christmas...and i feel i have done the same thing...i do bad things and at the time i feel like my heart is in the right place...as i told someone once..."i have always loved you...i just had a fucked up way of showing it."

Movies are a big part of my life...as books are to some...after i watch certain movies i will see what i can take away from it to better my life...and this is what i took away from that movie...i need to stop halfassing my way through life, i dont think i have ever really finished a damn thing, even with something as small as my art...i dont think there is a single peice that i could call done...maybe some of the reason that i felt mel filled the hole that was in my life was that she picked up my slack and for that i am again regretful...nobody should ever have to pick up someone elses slack...especially in a marriage or whatever kind of relationship...I have had my good days and i have had my bad days...and even though we do not talk anymore, i hope i can at least take something away from this that will at least help me with becoming a better man...it finally dawned on me last night that on august 8th of the this year i will be 32...and i really only have a small handful of things that i can be proud of...a very small handful...time is fleeting and i need to start doing some things that i can be proud of and so that small handfull can become an overwhelming river of things i can look back on and say "yeah i at least did some good on this planet."

I just hope and pray that my new found belief of a higher being will agree with me that i do have something to contribute to this world and see fit to let me prove it...I really do thank every last one of you who at least read my blog and even if you didnt say anything at least had good thoughts come my way...i do feel for the first time in my life that i am totally alone and that if i want things to come true for me then i will have to do them for myself and not wait for fate to say that it is my time...i know i will not be alone forever but for at least this part of my journey i will have to be...its scary but it is also comforting to know that i can do it as long as i can belive in myslef...