I feel like I am on a teetering verge...this might be a tolerable day and or I might just fall back into the depression I have been in for the last few months...I just wish I had the money to send off for my school so I can start the whole grant process...if I get that then I will have at least a bright little hope in my life...I have said on many occasions that hope is a concept invented by people who never needed it...I want to change my thinking about that statement...I am trying to change my outlook on life. trying to hate people less, be more tolerable of things I cant change, or just more tolerable in general...I have tried to patch things up with people that I secretly respected but let my own jealously get in the way...I dont know if rifts can ever be closed. I have said and done some extremely mean things in my life, both to people that I would conquer the world for and to people I dont even know... I hate elitist people...people that just shut you down even before you open you mouth...that if you dont know everything on a certain subject then your an idiot...I have become the person that I hate most...god how did I come to this...but I am trying to change back into what I once was...I really used to be a great person to be around with. I used to be a person that wasnt such a shithead...her leaving me was the smack in the face that I needed...I am a miserable sonuvabitch I think things need to change otherwise im not going got make it in school or in relationships with other people or in life period...I used to say "yes I know there are people out there that have it worse than I do...but I can only worry about my problems" that is the fucking stupidest statement I think that ever came out of my mouth...well probably not but its up there in my top ten. Monday I start going to the shrink...its at a free clinic so I dont know hope helpful they will be but its better than laying balled up in our old bed clutching a picture of her and driving myself insane with thoughts of doing bad things to myself...I did some of them the other night...at least I didnt drink my self into a stupor. But I used to do worse things than that...I have people that care about me and I need to stop being so selfish. what I do does effect people in my life...there few but they are there...and seeing as how I dont have that many people that care about me so I need to make damn sure I dont lose those as well...I need to grow up and start to take some fucking responsibility for my actions...I am 3-fucking-1 years old and its high time I fucking act like it... another stoopid statement "I am an eighteen year old with a hell of a fake ID" not fucking surprising because if your old enough then you know when you were 18 you thought you knew that whole fucking world...I am now willing to accept that I dont know shit...I thought I have lived life. How the fuck can I say I have lived life when I stayed in this town for 90% of it ...yeah I moved away for stretches of time. but fuck I havent even been over the great big pond, and I was in Canada for what like 3 hours...I havent lived life...I havent even seen what living life is like...it is high time I got off the pedestal that I have put myself on in the past...shit I know a guy who had seen more in three months in the army than I have seen in my life...he has been through some deep emotional and physical shit and now he is going through one of the most painful processs that I can think of. aside from having third degree burns on 90% of your body I think chemotherapy is really high on the pain chart...I heard what my grandmother went through...I heard the stories from my aunts that took care of her...of her just lying in her bed screaming from the pain and sickness. And here I am in my own little mind thinking I have been through some shit...god damn I am a joke...I HAVE to make this school work for me. I HAVE to change my mindset on life and others...if I dont then I might as well just stay right here in Clemson and become redneck #129 that wastes his life drinking and just sitting in his trailer waiting to die...my biggest fear is regret. for some its dieing or spiders...but what gets my blood boiling is that I have regrets that if I wasnt such a self absorbed fuckstick ( thanks ally cat for that ) I might not have had those regrets...I let myself get kicked out of the airforce..I could have fought it and stayed but noooooo I wanted to go home...take the easy way out like I always do...wife having problems? well instead of sitting there and communicating with her about what we are both feeling and what we are both going through, I decided to play a fucking video game...I swear to Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me...I had the perfect woman for me. But what did I do when we were dating? I broke up with her because I was scared, I was scared to fall in love with a girl that really and truly gave a damn about me...so again I took the easy way out...and for gods sake she helped me with my pathetic depression over the same girl that I broke up with her for...god damn how the fuck lame am I? then there was the drinking...and my saying some of the dumbest shit I think a human ever spouted to her...how the hell did she put with me for so long...oh yeah thats right she loved me...and I took it for granted...pissed it away because I thought she would always be there, well guess what fucktard shes not anymore...good job moron...now she is 1500 miles away getting on with her life and all you can do is thank yourself for that...that was your fault...you pushed her away and held her at arms length so much that she just floated away...thats your fault Klein...I have burned so many damn bridges in my life that I am a man on a island...you know the kind with the one coconut tree.
As I read this over it is starting to sound like I am falling into that deep well of self-pity...I used to throw some fucking raging keggers in my day, now it seems that I graduated to throwing some fucking raging pity parties...I am not trying to feel self pity I am just writing this shit out. In my head I can ignore it. I can push it to the back. But when I write it out I feel like I can do nothing but face the facts as I present them...for some reason I cant lie to myself when I write in these blog things...I think about the life I pissed away with her and it just drives me mad!!! I never told her this but when we went to go see her family the first time...I was amazed and enthralled...hell I was there for the birth of her sisters kid...her sister wanted to make me his godfather...I dont know if I still am...seeing as how with the divorce and all...I was astounded when my wife told me that her sister, who I meet only meet a few times, wanted me to be the godfather, of course the church wouldnt let me but she still said to me "I dont care what they say your still his godfather." I was blown away... the first time I meet her aunts and cousins , they made me feel so welcome...of course they poked fun at me for not speaking Spanish, but ...wow I just never felt that before...and her mom can cook some mean fucking pork...as I write this all the memories of our life together come flooding back and I just get so damn angry that I threw all that away because I didnt know how to just let the fucking walls down...just open up and stop hiding in my own little worlds...see this is the shit Im talking about...I need to change that shit...Im no good to a damn soul on this planet if I cant stop whining on the side lines and get in the game...as I told somebody else today I cant start things off where they went so horribly bad...but I think you can start things fresh...shit I never even told my dad that I was married to her...what a fucking loser am I.I thought that if I told my dad that we were married then we would break up because that would mean in my head that we really were married and for some fucked reason all would go to shit...well guess what genius it did anyways...god what a pansy fucking thing to think...I think back and I wonder how I got this mindset...I would really like to know because its a miracle that I got this far... I cant keep this mindset that I can fix things that are so shattered that a 6 hour surgery with metal plates and screws wouldnt even fix...sometimes you just have to let things go ... I have to start fresh...I need a new mindset...and you cant buy those, you cant order them off the internet and have them installed...it takes extremely hard work and dedication to change how you look at life and the world around you and I have to...otherwise I am of no use to this planet...and thats another thing I cant stand, find something anything in this world to contribute to...and as of now I have contributed zip, zilch, nada, yeah I have helped a few people along the way...I have sacrificed things for other people but I dont think that was enough...shit no wonder she was in love with the guy, he has done more for people , he was useful, he did things, if anything I should strive to even come close to what he has been, and he has gotten shit on the whole time, but yet he keeps surviving...what the fuck was I thinking...to say the things I have said, what a shithead I am...no wonder I dont have any friends...I cant keep blaming fate or luck or the world for my problems. I create them and then blame others...yes I talk a VERY good game...VERY good...now I think its time that I start living up to the words that I spout with out so much as a care to hears them...I had a conversation with a guy from work, another more honorable person than I, we were talking about how this one chick from work doesnt like me because I dont care what I say , I said that Im to old to change, that is just bullshit again spewing forth out of my mouth...dammit why cant I just stop this fucking merry go round thats gone out of control.
I have had 5 major break ups...and some have had circumstances that were beyond my control...but as I look back on them I keep making the same fucking mistakes...you would think I would learn...all I can do is just shake my head at the insanity of it all...I know this process isnt going to happen overnight or in a couple months or within the year...but at least I now know that I cant keep lying to myself and to others if I want to grab the brass ring...I have always believed that nothing good in your life doesnt come without strong conviction and a shit ton of hard work...I lack motivation and I am scared of failure...I think its high time I start listening to my own advice...this whole move is not going to be easy, or convenient, shit I might break down in the middle of driving there...but I am going to have to buck up and start being a MAN, and not the 18 year old that thinks he fucking knows how the world works...I know nobody will believe this but I actually prayed the other night. like got down on my knees and everything...I prayed for god to bring me back my wife...to have her see that I truly and honestly love her...and as I sit here and think about it is a good thing my prayer wasnt answered...if she came back right now and said "mark lets try again we can live here till we get enough money to move and then we can go somewhere else." I know what would happen. I dont want to admit it but I know what would happen...this also applies to if she moved in with me in Dallas as well...it would be good for the first few months...great in fact...but it would slowly start to become the beast of what we were in Clemson...I hate admitting this to myself but I have to...then by month five it would be so bad that I would have dropped out of school, because that would be the easy way out, we would have gone back to the little pleasantries of marriage...and we would have ended up back where we were months ago...her not wanting to be with a social inept walled off prick, and I would gone back to resenting her because she isnt what I thought a wife should be...Im sorry hon. if you read this but yes I wasnt as happy with you either... should we have gotten married...as two face says I am of 2 minds on the subject...I think it was good and just as equally bad idea...we got married for the wrong reasons...for money...but we grew to love each other. we helped each other out...her helping me just a little more...god as I think about it I was a down right horrible husband...god I was I really was... but I will never believe that there wasnt love there...a strong and just love...we both just had to many inner demons to deal with...had we thought about that a little more Im sure we wouldnt have done it...but you cant change the past you can only change the future. I asked myself many times why she left...why she hates me now and only after writing this do I absolutely realize while we did love each other we just needed to face those demons first before we could start a life together...I have made a huge amount of mistakes in my life...and I know she has to...but those mistakes ,and what we learn from them, is what makes us who we are...I know she has had some kind of relationship out there, or is in one now or whatever...and as much as it kills me to think of her laying with another man or sharing experiences with him or looking at him the way she used to look at me...I think - god I dont really want to say this - I think it might be good for her...hell maybe I need to go out and do the same thing...
I used to want to travel the world. I used to want to see America...but the longer and longer I lived here the more and more I got used to the rut and comforting knowledge of these surroundings. The wanting more side of me just died off. I never wanted to live my life here. I just got used to it. and that has to change...I like change if its for the better...sometimes it is and sometimes it isnt...like the new SG site I like it...some dont...change will never please everybody...but you cant make everybody like you no matter how hard you try... when she finally told me that she didnt want to move out there with me, which somewhere deep inside I knew was coming, it was like a six handed backhand slap from the cosmic Shiva...I have been reading a lot lately about Buddhism...but I dont think I was paying attention...I need to go reread it me thinks...
I still love that girl with all my heart, and somewhere deep inside I think she still loves what I could be. I think thats what attracted her to me in the first place...I used to have so much potential and piss and vinegar...and I just let it die. I need to get that back if I am to survive the rest of my life...I used to have this job where I traveled around the country delivering illegal china doll molds...I hated the guy I worked with but I loved the job...I saw new things everyday...I meet new people everyday, some of them were quirky and some of them were just down right mean but I lived my life and I experienced things, and I used to love new things...right now I dont think me and Mel should be together...I do think she needs to come back here for a few days to give our chapter some closer , and if anything to figure out what to do with the rest of her stuff...but I think the love will always be there for each other...and if its as strong as I think it is...well it will still be there a year or so down the line...one can only hope.
Im not saying I am going to like seeing her get hurt by others or not being able to help with some of the pain she has...but I will have to be strong, she has a smart head on her shoulders and she got through some really rough times without me. She is one of the strongest people I know with an unbreakable will. I dont know if I have ever been that strong...but I think that if I keep my mind focused and sharp and not burdened with alcohol and negative thoughts (like the world is against me shit) I might...I just might make it to a place where I think I should be...then maybe we might be right for each other. Or maybe we wont. I dont know...I cant predict the future. If I did then I would have won the fucking power ball last night
There are a few simple things I just need to keep in the front of my mind...
Drive
Persevere
Strength
I will not always be like this and I CAN make myself better
I can do anything that I set my mind to
You know its funny years and years ago I meet Anthony Michael Hall in a bar in downtown Clemson...I bought him a drink and he gave me his autograph...it said Follow your dreams...just do it!
at the time I thought that was just some shit "stars" write when they give autographs...but he is right I mean this guy went from sniffing panties in sixteen candles to nothing and then he is now on a fucking great show the dead zone" if a schmuck can go from sniffing panties to that. There has to be something to be said for drive and determination...
I might break down a few times before I break out of this mold I have fashioned for myself... and if I do please just bear with me...I must at all costs make things happen for myself...I am my own worst enemy and I think I have the strength to find the fight within..
By the way I sent this thing through Microsoft word just to save you all from my horrible grammar and spelling. And I thank you all for listening to my catharsis.
As I read this over it is starting to sound like I am falling into that deep well of self-pity...I used to throw some fucking raging keggers in my day, now it seems that I graduated to throwing some fucking raging pity parties...I am not trying to feel self pity I am just writing this shit out. In my head I can ignore it. I can push it to the back. But when I write it out I feel like I can do nothing but face the facts as I present them...for some reason I cant lie to myself when I write in these blog things...I think about the life I pissed away with her and it just drives me mad!!! I never told her this but when we went to go see her family the first time...I was amazed and enthralled...hell I was there for the birth of her sisters kid...her sister wanted to make me his godfather...I dont know if I still am...seeing as how with the divorce and all...I was astounded when my wife told me that her sister, who I meet only meet a few times, wanted me to be the godfather, of course the church wouldnt let me but she still said to me "I dont care what they say your still his godfather." I was blown away... the first time I meet her aunts and cousins , they made me feel so welcome...of course they poked fun at me for not speaking Spanish, but ...wow I just never felt that before...and her mom can cook some mean fucking pork...as I write this all the memories of our life together come flooding back and I just get so damn angry that I threw all that away because I didnt know how to just let the fucking walls down...just open up and stop hiding in my own little worlds...see this is the shit Im talking about...I need to change that shit...Im no good to a damn soul on this planet if I cant stop whining on the side lines and get in the game...as I told somebody else today I cant start things off where they went so horribly bad...but I think you can start things fresh...shit I never even told my dad that I was married to her...what a fucking loser am I.I thought that if I told my dad that we were married then we would break up because that would mean in my head that we really were married and for some fucked reason all would go to shit...well guess what genius it did anyways...god what a pansy fucking thing to think...I think back and I wonder how I got this mindset...I would really like to know because its a miracle that I got this far... I cant keep this mindset that I can fix things that are so shattered that a 6 hour surgery with metal plates and screws wouldnt even fix...sometimes you just have to let things go ... I have to start fresh...I need a new mindset...and you cant buy those, you cant order them off the internet and have them installed...it takes extremely hard work and dedication to change how you look at life and the world around you and I have to...otherwise I am of no use to this planet...and thats another thing I cant stand, find something anything in this world to contribute to...and as of now I have contributed zip, zilch, nada, yeah I have helped a few people along the way...I have sacrificed things for other people but I dont think that was enough...shit no wonder she was in love with the guy, he has done more for people , he was useful, he did things, if anything I should strive to even come close to what he has been, and he has gotten shit on the whole time, but yet he keeps surviving...what the fuck was I thinking...to say the things I have said, what a shithead I am...no wonder I dont have any friends...I cant keep blaming fate or luck or the world for my problems. I create them and then blame others...yes I talk a VERY good game...VERY good...now I think its time that I start living up to the words that I spout with out so much as a care to hears them...I had a conversation with a guy from work, another more honorable person than I, we were talking about how this one chick from work doesnt like me because I dont care what I say , I said that Im to old to change, that is just bullshit again spewing forth out of my mouth...dammit why cant I just stop this fucking merry go round thats gone out of control.
I have had 5 major break ups...and some have had circumstances that were beyond my control...but as I look back on them I keep making the same fucking mistakes...you would think I would learn...all I can do is just shake my head at the insanity of it all...I know this process isnt going to happen overnight or in a couple months or within the year...but at least I now know that I cant keep lying to myself and to others if I want to grab the brass ring...I have always believed that nothing good in your life doesnt come without strong conviction and a shit ton of hard work...I lack motivation and I am scared of failure...I think its high time I start listening to my own advice...this whole move is not going to be easy, or convenient, shit I might break down in the middle of driving there...but I am going to have to buck up and start being a MAN, and not the 18 year old that thinks he fucking knows how the world works...I know nobody will believe this but I actually prayed the other night. like got down on my knees and everything...I prayed for god to bring me back my wife...to have her see that I truly and honestly love her...and as I sit here and think about it is a good thing my prayer wasnt answered...if she came back right now and said "mark lets try again we can live here till we get enough money to move and then we can go somewhere else." I know what would happen. I dont want to admit it but I know what would happen...this also applies to if she moved in with me in Dallas as well...it would be good for the first few months...great in fact...but it would slowly start to become the beast of what we were in Clemson...I hate admitting this to myself but I have to...then by month five it would be so bad that I would have dropped out of school, because that would be the easy way out, we would have gone back to the little pleasantries of marriage...and we would have ended up back where we were months ago...her not wanting to be with a social inept walled off prick, and I would gone back to resenting her because she isnt what I thought a wife should be...Im sorry hon. if you read this but yes I wasnt as happy with you either... should we have gotten married...as two face says I am of 2 minds on the subject...I think it was good and just as equally bad idea...we got married for the wrong reasons...for money...but we grew to love each other. we helped each other out...her helping me just a little more...god as I think about it I was a down right horrible husband...god I was I really was... but I will never believe that there wasnt love there...a strong and just love...we both just had to many inner demons to deal with...had we thought about that a little more Im sure we wouldnt have done it...but you cant change the past you can only change the future. I asked myself many times why she left...why she hates me now and only after writing this do I absolutely realize while we did love each other we just needed to face those demons first before we could start a life together...I have made a huge amount of mistakes in my life...and I know she has to...but those mistakes ,and what we learn from them, is what makes us who we are...I know she has had some kind of relationship out there, or is in one now or whatever...and as much as it kills me to think of her laying with another man or sharing experiences with him or looking at him the way she used to look at me...I think - god I dont really want to say this - I think it might be good for her...hell maybe I need to go out and do the same thing...
I used to want to travel the world. I used to want to see America...but the longer and longer I lived here the more and more I got used to the rut and comforting knowledge of these surroundings. The wanting more side of me just died off. I never wanted to live my life here. I just got used to it. and that has to change...I like change if its for the better...sometimes it is and sometimes it isnt...like the new SG site I like it...some dont...change will never please everybody...but you cant make everybody like you no matter how hard you try... when she finally told me that she didnt want to move out there with me, which somewhere deep inside I knew was coming, it was like a six handed backhand slap from the cosmic Shiva...I have been reading a lot lately about Buddhism...but I dont think I was paying attention...I need to go reread it me thinks...
I still love that girl with all my heart, and somewhere deep inside I think she still loves what I could be. I think thats what attracted her to me in the first place...I used to have so much potential and piss and vinegar...and I just let it die. I need to get that back if I am to survive the rest of my life...I used to have this job where I traveled around the country delivering illegal china doll molds...I hated the guy I worked with but I loved the job...I saw new things everyday...I meet new people everyday, some of them were quirky and some of them were just down right mean but I lived my life and I experienced things, and I used to love new things...right now I dont think me and Mel should be together...I do think she needs to come back here for a few days to give our chapter some closer , and if anything to figure out what to do with the rest of her stuff...but I think the love will always be there for each other...and if its as strong as I think it is...well it will still be there a year or so down the line...one can only hope.
Im not saying I am going to like seeing her get hurt by others or not being able to help with some of the pain she has...but I will have to be strong, she has a smart head on her shoulders and she got through some really rough times without me. She is one of the strongest people I know with an unbreakable will. I dont know if I have ever been that strong...but I think that if I keep my mind focused and sharp and not burdened with alcohol and negative thoughts (like the world is against me shit) I might...I just might make it to a place where I think I should be...then maybe we might be right for each other. Or maybe we wont. I dont know...I cant predict the future. If I did then I would have won the fucking power ball last night
There are a few simple things I just need to keep in the front of my mind...
Drive
Persevere
Strength
I will not always be like this and I CAN make myself better
I can do anything that I set my mind to
You know its funny years and years ago I meet Anthony Michael Hall in a bar in downtown Clemson...I bought him a drink and he gave me his autograph...it said Follow your dreams...just do it!
at the time I thought that was just some shit "stars" write when they give autographs...but he is right I mean this guy went from sniffing panties in sixteen candles to nothing and then he is now on a fucking great show the dead zone" if a schmuck can go from sniffing panties to that. There has to be something to be said for drive and determination...
I might break down a few times before I break out of this mold I have fashioned for myself... and if I do please just bear with me...I must at all costs make things happen for myself...I am my own worst enemy and I think I have the strength to find the fight within..
By the way I sent this thing through Microsoft word just to save you all from my horrible grammar and spelling. And I thank you all for listening to my catharsis.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
your comment about trying to press me a xanax through the monitor made me lauugh. and also wish that it could be done.