kyki

Surgery tomorrow. A lot more invasive than any other medical stuff I've done. I'm scared. Not because I think this is dangerous or anything I'm just scared to be hurt in that area again. I don't know why I blocked this out but I was watching CSI (great dreams tonight I'm sure) and they have these flash backs of rape. For some reason that doesn't usually bother me but this one did. I just flashed back to being in this guys car. He said his name was Paris. I was trying to get out of his car and he held me down and pulled off my pants. So as he's raping me this cop drives by and I'm just wishing in my head that they at least pull over even if they think it's just indecent exposure. They didn't even slow down and I felt a struggle between how embarrasing it would be to have the police pull you out of a car with no pants on and then being disgusted with myself for even thinking that would be worse than what was going on. He pushed me out of the car on the hill and I don't even remember what I did after that. I actually don't remember anything after that. I remember every detail except afterwards. Sorry that's a downer but it just hit me so fucking hard while I was watching this and the thought of having someone cutting at my insides is so fucking terrifying I just wanted to scream but I don't want my mom to know how scared I really am. I mean if they don't remove this it will just get bigger and probably rupture so that would be much more painful than the sugery. Or if it is cancer it would attatch to somehting and spread. Fuck that's not really helping either but I really just needed to get these thoughts out.

What do I do to feel again? Not to sound cheesy but after these things, certain things, happened to me, it's like I feel ike I'm not in my body 60 - 90 percent of the time. Cutting used to help but now i just feel like a bitch for doing that too. The thing that really sucks is just that when it's good, it's just so good, but it's been so fucking bad lately and the stress is something I want support with but I don't know how to get support. I don't know how to ask for it. And I don't feel like I deserve it. After this is done I think I will feel loads better because it's the last big thing right now aside from moving my shit out of my apartment that I have to deal with. But medically this is the last big thing and it will be a releif and tumors drain the energy out of you so I should be feel a lot less sluggish and tired. So fingers crossed I will feel better in a couple weeks and I can pull all my shit together.

I guess the question is...who do I ask on a date that I'm not dead scared of? We'll see. I need someone healthy for me right? Totally.

So no worries. I'm freaking out right now but I'll be fine. Right? Yeah I'll be fine. I mean I'll be absolutely perfect.