kyki

I am back in Town. I missed all of you. i wish I could see more of you Quinn but obviously we're both busy and you probably much more so than I. i hope everything is going well.

It was good. My grandmother is just amazing. I loved my grandfather so much and he really did so much with his service to this country and probably more than I will ever know in Africa since it's classified but I know he was a good man. An intense man but a good man. They told us that we can't talk about it even though he's dead which is stressful because I want to know about him and it's all classified. I understand needing to keep certain secrets. i know i can't say what he did or who he worked for because that would blow so many peoples covers but I just want to know everything.

His funeral and service were hard. I cried in the church. I tried to cry quietly but it was so hard I made some loud sobs. I know it's not something anyone would blame me for but it's just hard...

Father Mathew who was his minister was so awesome. I really really didn't like being in the church but in respect to him of course I would do that. i took communion. I feel really really shit about that. I really do. not because I give a shit about desecrating the church but I feel like I desecrated myself. I wasn't going to but I felt like an asshole being the only one in my row of family that didn't do it. Even my anti religion uncle did it. I did it outo of respect for Papi but it still felt disgusting. I don't mean that to offend anyone who is Catholic or takes communion or anything...I mean that personally to me. It didn't feel good. It didn't feel good to have a preist talk about how people are following the wrong god and it didn't feel good to sing hymns but I did it for him. I hope somehow that's a good thing.

He was cremated which I am so glad for. I feel that it is almost disrespectful to bury someone. But that's just me. I'm not saying anyone is wrong for doing so that's my own thing. I am glad they did that. When we scattered his ashes at the cemetery my grandmother was really emotional. She said it was just so shocking to see how little there was. I didn't want to think of him being in a box. It's his bodies ashes but I believe that in a way it lets people move on. If there is a soul or something, which I believe there is something inside the body which goes on, it helps it be released to whatever it needs to do. If you believe in heaven, I believe you go to heaven. I don't believe in hell. I only believe that people make their own hells on earth....I believe that orthodox is a hell. Making yourself follow some OCD ritualistic lifestyle is hell. If you are OCD it may help you but for those others I believe it's a brainwashing and it makes them live in their own hell believing that they will be in heaven one day and able to feel real. Why not feel real now?

So, he did inspire me. Especially to change the world. While it seems horrible to me that we can't hear what he did to help the world...I believe that he did. I know some things that are amazing about him that would get him in trouble if he were alive but were basically what jesus would do. Helping people who were going to be killed to not be killed and whatnot.

I have pictures of the cemetery that are beautiful that I will put up when I have the time. It's a really gorgeous part of Virginia which is where my grandmother grew up. My family does have an interesting history. I'll post some stuff later.

My great grandmother knew the wright brothers and almost went on their famous flight.

Stuff like that. Not too fancy but kind of cool.

But it was a really great service and I'm glad he's no longer in pain even though I miss him so so much. I'm taking his briefcase and a blanket that he had while he was dying...probably when he died.

It's really hard. Harder than I thought it would be and I didn't think it would be easy.