kyki

I'm really sad that John is still not talking to me. He asks about me but he won't actually talk to me. Well, since he doesn't read this, he made me feel like shit. I don't want to address that directly because I think he was trying to do something nice in some fucked up way but I literally wanted to kill myself for about a week after he talked to me. I would just sit at home and cry thinking that all my friends hated me. Why the fuck am I trying to be his friend? He should be the one trying to talk to me. But I'm forgiving. Or what the fuck. God I don't know. Fuck it. I'm happy so I'm fine. I'll be fine.

I really wish that my boy would be a for real boy. I know he has probation and a shit load of community service but he's such a sweetheart. He makes me feel pretty and all that cheesy bullshit. I also don't think he wants to commit but I could just be trying to sabotage anything we could have by making up excuses for him instead of trying to get his number. I mean, I think he lives with his mom or something. I don't know. I should just ask him for his number. I am so scared of doing that though since Jared but he's not the kind to be like, I don't want you knowing where I am at any given time, so I don't know. I get so stupid when I like people. God.

I really don't want to work tomorrow but I guess I'm glad that I'm covering for someone because I need the hours, the money. I hope I get tips on Friday. I need to pay my phone bill and have my radiator flushed. It's never been changed (at least not since I got it) and like a moron I haven't had the money to do anything pretty much to it but I love my car and I want it to last for a long time (and I need it for work) so I hope that wont take all of my next paycheck before I even pay rent.