I think I have a problem. I think my problem is taking little problems and turning them into big ones, mostly out of fear.
My mouth gets me into trouble. I have a tendency to say things that are inflammatory, usually trying to get a laugh. I realized early on in my relationship with my girlfriend that a lot of the things I said were sexual and about other women. I meant the things I said as over the top jokes, but she feels that they are completely and totally disrespectful and inexcusable. I agree with her on the disrespectful part, and to an extent on the inexcusable part. I think that she is right if I make comments in such a way that she is very likely to see/hear them. However, I do feel a little picked upon if I make commets like that, all in fun, for comedy, and she comes across them in a way that looks to me like she is going out of her way to see them. If I think that's what's going on, I feel like someone is out to get me and taking something out of context.
Me and my girlfriend have trust issues do to things we've both done. My suspiciousness because of that made her suspicious and as a result she read some comments on a friend's myspace pictures that I didn't think we're that big of a deal because they were made in a joking fashion, and I also never would have avoiding being in any way disrepectful if I had thought she would ever read them.
I was pissed off, upset, and pessimisstic when I wrote them and so I was not worrying about being disrespectful. I wasn't so far gone that I would have made those comments in front of her, but since I didn't think she would ever see them I vented a little by taking my filter of and letting me idiot mouth have free reign. The result was her coming to me and calmly telling me she felt it was disrpectful.
I got very upset. First I was mad because I felt she went out of her way to read them (turns out it wasn't as far out of her way as I thought). Anyway, I had to admit I've went looking at some of her friend's pages to be nosey. I don't think I ever looked at any of their pictures, just what she had said to them, but it's not any better (now that I think about it...I'm hot headed, but I'm fucking trying to be as dispassionate as her).
Anyway, I was upset...angry, sad, afraid....all of it. When I get like that I'll yell. I don't mean to be mean or hurtful, but I do, and she just shuts me down. And that hurts. I think she doesn't even feel like I'm worth fighting with. That just makes me feel even worse. The anger disappears and I'm left with just the sadness and the fear and because she can be so dispassionate I'm hurt even more. I tried to get that across to her, but she says, "I've still got to go about my day." I understand that, but something are more important and worth being upset about.
She says she doesn't want to get angry and really fight it out because we'll just degenerate into being cruel for cruelty's sake. Maybe she is right, but I feel like she is just being cold to hurt me sometimes, and it has nothing to do with trying to avoid hurting each other. I know if I've been disrespectful and that if I've hurt her feelings I deserve to be hurt back or have her angry with me, but when she's so cold I'm afraid I'll lose her and I start to fall apart because I am more afraid of that than anything.
It's fucked up that I am that emotional. I can't control it and I'm afraid she loses a lot of respect for me because of it. It's when I need her most yet most of the time she doesn't want anything to do with me because I've pissed her off.
I think this time my being so upset instead of calmly talking to her about this whole thing made it much worse than it had to be, so if she will I'm going to try. This isn't some huge thing that we shouldn't be able to get over. If we can do that, I think it could also help us get some of the trust back. I can see all of the reason why my comments bothered her, I really can. They WERE disrespectful on more levels than one.
I wish this hadn't went down, but it did. I wish I had handled it better from the beginning, but I didn't.
My mouth gets me into trouble. I have a tendency to say things that are inflammatory, usually trying to get a laugh. I realized early on in my relationship with my girlfriend that a lot of the things I said were sexual and about other women. I meant the things I said as over the top jokes, but she feels that they are completely and totally disrespectful and inexcusable. I agree with her on the disrespectful part, and to an extent on the inexcusable part. I think that she is right if I make comments in such a way that she is very likely to see/hear them. However, I do feel a little picked upon if I make commets like that, all in fun, for comedy, and she comes across them in a way that looks to me like she is going out of her way to see them. If I think that's what's going on, I feel like someone is out to get me and taking something out of context.
Me and my girlfriend have trust issues do to things we've both done. My suspiciousness because of that made her suspicious and as a result she read some comments on a friend's myspace pictures that I didn't think we're that big of a deal because they were made in a joking fashion, and I also never would have avoiding being in any way disrepectful if I had thought she would ever read them.
I was pissed off, upset, and pessimisstic when I wrote them and so I was not worrying about being disrespectful. I wasn't so far gone that I would have made those comments in front of her, but since I didn't think she would ever see them I vented a little by taking my filter of and letting me idiot mouth have free reign. The result was her coming to me and calmly telling me she felt it was disrpectful.
I got very upset. First I was mad because I felt she went out of her way to read them (turns out it wasn't as far out of her way as I thought). Anyway, I had to admit I've went looking at some of her friend's pages to be nosey. I don't think I ever looked at any of their pictures, just what she had said to them, but it's not any better (now that I think about it...I'm hot headed, but I'm fucking trying to be as dispassionate as her).
Anyway, I was upset...angry, sad, afraid....all of it. When I get like that I'll yell. I don't mean to be mean or hurtful, but I do, and she just shuts me down. And that hurts. I think she doesn't even feel like I'm worth fighting with. That just makes me feel even worse. The anger disappears and I'm left with just the sadness and the fear and because she can be so dispassionate I'm hurt even more. I tried to get that across to her, but she says, "I've still got to go about my day." I understand that, but something are more important and worth being upset about.
She says she doesn't want to get angry and really fight it out because we'll just degenerate into being cruel for cruelty's sake. Maybe she is right, but I feel like she is just being cold to hurt me sometimes, and it has nothing to do with trying to avoid hurting each other. I know if I've been disrespectful and that if I've hurt her feelings I deserve to be hurt back or have her angry with me, but when she's so cold I'm afraid I'll lose her and I start to fall apart because I am more afraid of that than anything.
It's fucked up that I am that emotional. I can't control it and I'm afraid she loses a lot of respect for me because of it. It's when I need her most yet most of the time she doesn't want anything to do with me because I've pissed her off.
I think this time my being so upset instead of calmly talking to her about this whole thing made it much worse than it had to be, so if she will I'm going to try. This isn't some huge thing that we shouldn't be able to get over. If we can do that, I think it could also help us get some of the trust back. I can see all of the reason why my comments bothered her, I really can. They WERE disrespectful on more levels than one.
I wish this hadn't went down, but it did. I wish I had handled it better from the beginning, but I didn't.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Relationships can be really hard. Even with a great relationship you will have good days and bad ones, hell... sometimes you will have good years and bad ones. but, that being said, if you guys love each other than it's worth fighting for, right? I may be out of line here, but I'd like to suggest some books that may help... John Gray has written ALOT of books on relationships, but if you were to pick up "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and "Men, Women and Relationships: Making peace with the opposite sex", and give them an honest read and a chance, you may find they are the answer to your issues. I read them over and over again, because they've given me the tools to understand my husband when he does things that hurt or upset me. I'm learning to realize that 99% of disagreements are just misunderstanding our differences as men and women, and it's helped a bunch. I've asked my honey to consider reading them, and so far he's just committed to considering it, but I'm really hopeful that someday he will.
A few thoughts from a woman's point of view, take them for what you think they are worth.... she may seem detached like that with you, but I can guarantee that she's not feeling that way in private. She's probably just as hurt and scared as you are, but sometimes when women don't feel safe sharing how they feel we will just end up stuffing it all down inside instead.... especially if she's intimidated by you when you are angry. If you are saying hurtful words in anger, she will remember those hurtful words way beyond the time when you will remember ever having said them, it's just how we are. Words are very powerful to women, both kind ones and harsh ones.
anyway....I guess I am trying to say that if you love her, try to work it out.
Oh, and hope you had a great rest of your huntin' season
Good luck, K?
On an unrelated note... is it me, or is it tough to engage the rest of the guys in the gun owners group?