My anger overwhelms me, and I don't know what to do. I don't even know what's causing it. Fear, suspicion, and the not knowing if any of it is justified drives me to anger. I'm a fool no matter what, either because I believe or because I don't. Belief is nothing. It is not fact or truth. It is agreement. It is an educated guess. It is ignoring one set of guesses in favor of another. It is assuming the best, or assuming the worst. I wish I could set emotion aside and just look at the facts before me. I'm sure I would be able to proudly proclaim, "I do not have enough information to proceed with a conclusion." Fuck, I know that now, but it doesn't help.
Faith is something I've never been good at. It's only easy to have faith in oneself, and even the self is capable of making mistakes, of screwing up, so how can one have faith in others. Life is like that. It's all about choices that must be made on inadequate information. I can assume the worst, or I can assume the best. I could be wrong on both accounts.
I guess I'll take the chance of assuming the best. I may find, in the future, that I am a fool. But I'd rather be a fool for being hopeful than a fool for being pessimistic.
Anyway. I'm going to see about getting contacts today. It would be nice to get rid of the glasses. I would like to be able to wear sunglasses that are not presciption. I would like to be able to wear safety glasses when I shoot so I can protect my eyes. I'd like people to look into my eyes and see them and not just the lenses that cover them.
I want to go shooting again soon. And I want to buy more guns. So many wants, so little money to get those wants. Oh, well. Maybe one day I'll be able to buy those things I want and not worry about debt, paying the rent, etc. etc.
I'm reading a lot of books: Peter Capsticks Africa, Green Hills of Africa, The Bourne Identity, Time to Hunt, and I Am Legend. I Am Legend is the one I'm most interested in currently since the movie comes the day before my birthday. I'm pretty sure I'm off that day, so I think I'll go see it. Hopefully Cheryl will want to go with me. If not I guess I'll have to find someone else to go with. I'd hate to go alone.
I hate doing anything alone. I've spent too much time alone in my life. Oh, sometimes I need and desire to be alone, but most times I hate it. All I do when I'm alone is read books or watch tv. I don't have any desire to go anywhere or do anything because who wants to do anything alone. I've done it. I had to. I've spent hours walking around in malls, on city streets just so I didn't feel alone, but I knew deep down inside that I still was. I found hobbies. I got politcal so I could join in all the debates online. I found causes and issues. I took up hobbies that allowed me to practice them alone: writing, shooting, hunting.
I need a shower. I need to brush my teeth. I've eaten so that's taken care of already. I need to cut my finger and toe nails. Yes, that would be a good idea. And wash some clothes. All of those daily chores...nothing more than distractions. They give purpose, but it is meaningless purpose. They only serve to maintain the status quo when what I desire, what everyone desires, is to get better. There are so many good things in my life I wish to improve on, I just hope I have the time.
Faith is something I've never been good at. It's only easy to have faith in oneself, and even the self is capable of making mistakes, of screwing up, so how can one have faith in others. Life is like that. It's all about choices that must be made on inadequate information. I can assume the worst, or I can assume the best. I could be wrong on both accounts.
I guess I'll take the chance of assuming the best. I may find, in the future, that I am a fool. But I'd rather be a fool for being hopeful than a fool for being pessimistic.
Anyway. I'm going to see about getting contacts today. It would be nice to get rid of the glasses. I would like to be able to wear sunglasses that are not presciption. I would like to be able to wear safety glasses when I shoot so I can protect my eyes. I'd like people to look into my eyes and see them and not just the lenses that cover them.
I want to go shooting again soon. And I want to buy more guns. So many wants, so little money to get those wants. Oh, well. Maybe one day I'll be able to buy those things I want and not worry about debt, paying the rent, etc. etc.
I'm reading a lot of books: Peter Capsticks Africa, Green Hills of Africa, The Bourne Identity, Time to Hunt, and I Am Legend. I Am Legend is the one I'm most interested in currently since the movie comes the day before my birthday. I'm pretty sure I'm off that day, so I think I'll go see it. Hopefully Cheryl will want to go with me. If not I guess I'll have to find someone else to go with. I'd hate to go alone.
I hate doing anything alone. I've spent too much time alone in my life. Oh, sometimes I need and desire to be alone, but most times I hate it. All I do when I'm alone is read books or watch tv. I don't have any desire to go anywhere or do anything because who wants to do anything alone. I've done it. I had to. I've spent hours walking around in malls, on city streets just so I didn't feel alone, but I knew deep down inside that I still was. I found hobbies. I got politcal so I could join in all the debates online. I found causes and issues. I took up hobbies that allowed me to practice them alone: writing, shooting, hunting.
I need a shower. I need to brush my teeth. I've eaten so that's taken care of already. I need to cut my finger and toe nails. Yes, that would be a good idea. And wash some clothes. All of those daily chores...nothing more than distractions. They give purpose, but it is meaningless purpose. They only serve to maintain the status quo when what I desire, what everyone desires, is to get better. There are so many good things in my life I wish to improve on, I just hope I have the time.