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ktsmurf

Corvallis

Member Since 2005

Followers 6 Following 6

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Monday Jun 13, 2005

Jun 12, 2005
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Ok, so its been a wee while since I've posted. I'm sure there are 2's of people who have been dying to know where I was, but fear not, I was suffering only from writer's block.

My nephew flies in on Tuesday. I got the day off, and I may be going to the airport with my brudda to get him. He's out from Florida until July 28th. I'm stoked to see the little guy, but I keep thinking about stupid family shit that happened near that date the year I was born. Both of my brothers are from my father's first marriage. My younger sister and I are from Dad's second marriage. Dad ended up going through custodial hell with his ex-wife, and ended up with only summer visitation, as he moved back to oregon and she stayed in mississippi. The year my mom was pregnant, one of my brother's happened to mention his new baby sister to be to his mom over the phone, and within days my brothers had new plane tickets home with an earlier date. They left one week before I was born, and none of us got to see them again until I was 10 years old. My birthday has always been symbolic as a time of separation and loss to me, and this year my nephew is leaving then, in addition to most of the rest of my family taking off to the midwest for three weeks right then. I'm trying not to view it that way, but its making me feel stranded and alone. Usually my birthday is the one day each year I can guarantee that I won't be depressed and miserable, but this year I'm afraid I won't have the will to leave the fetal position.

So much of what I learned as a child was about loss. To this day, I have significant trouble forming truly close bonds to people, because I know they will inevitably be gone. Whether it was the death of yet another relative, or moving away again, life has shown that my relationships will not last. Even now, I don't have a friend who I still speak to that I've known for more than three years. Its the main reason why me romantic endeavors end so horribly. I get scared and leave, because then they can't abandon me. No matter what I do, the people I love will leave, and this year I'm getting a visceral reminder of it at a time that has special significance.

I just don't want to be alone anymore, but everytime I try to change this, I am left more alone than before by my abject failures. I don't know what to do. I hope I'll cheer up, but this is a lifelong battle for me.

***

It's funny, when I started this post I intended for it to be brief and lighthearted. HA!

Funny what listening to Elliot Smith will do to a person. I really do feel ok most of the time, I just got really introspective and contemplative for a bit. I have to believe that things will work out, because otherwise, I'd just kill myself, and I won't do that to my family. That's my magic antidepressant secret. Whenever I feel like giving up, which is rather often, I remind myself that my parents and sister wouldn't understand, and it would crush them. I would never willingly bring them such pain, no matter how deep my own. My love for them is all that keeps me alive some days. I don't honestly know if I'll ever find anyone else who will be on that list, and I can't bear to think what I'd do if I lost them.

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