I've been reading transmetropolitan lately, and it seems to be having an effect on my behavior and worldview. I feel bitter, sarcastic and jaded. Its kind of a nice change, actually. Caustic and nihilistic is way more fun than morose any day. It makes it a bit harder to suffer througth work though. Somehow perceiving 99% of the world to be bereft of mental capacity doesn't make me want to treat them very nicely. I've been on autopilot more and more, and it shows. I need to temper this somehow. Today, it was coffee. I had about a pot of it while at work. I felt energetic and actually enjoyed work, because time flew by. I have also discovered that the combo of cigarettes and caffeine kill much of my desire to eat. Its kind of like the socially acceptable alternative to methamphetamines. Then I get to come home and take my vitamins, and maybe have a beer or some wine. Lately I've been hanging out more with my brother, so I'm rediscovering the latent stoner within. I'm noticing the proliferation of my vices, and you know what, I'm kind of enjoying it. I don't feel anywhere near as stressed out, because I just don't care. I self-medicating to induce apathy. It's kinda sad that the easest way for me to make it through the day is to alter my brain chemistry constantly. I'm at a point where facing my situation throws me into an emotional overload, so i'm ignoring it. Hopefully it will only be temporary. I'm aiming for a controlled burn, not a fiery demise.
I'm starting to feel a sense of power in my solitude. There is strength inside me somewhere, I need only to seek it out. All that is outside me, be it good or ill, extraneous. I contain all that I truly need within. Others may provide comfort and companionship, but I can survive with out them. Truth unto oneself above all else. That is what I must strive to remember.
Thursday morning Nina is going to shave my head completely. I will be a cueball. Friday afternoon I am going under the needle. I feel a current of nervous excitement, almost arousal, when I think about it. It hurts, yes, but the pain is rewarded and rewarding. Truly such sweet suffering. I think in the right situation, I would let someone draw designs on me with an inkless gun, just for the sensation. To see the fleeting pattern of irritated skin and blood, permanent only in memory, sounds like a very personal experience. I am so excited about my tattoos. It feels like such a release to be able to fix the mushroom, and I'm entranced by my spider.
I know the entries of the past few days have been quite different from my normal prattle about my life. I have had the urge to write diary entries instead of normal day-to-day goings on. I know few people read this, fewer still who actually know me, and I find it intensely cathartic and enjoyable to air my thoughts on paper, real or electronic. Much of what I type is the flow of a philosophical discussion in my mind, or the stream of my thoughts without filtration. It is not meant to be declarative, merely observational. It helps me to work through my problems, and releases so much pent up emotion. Feel free to ignore me, as i may be incomprehensible to others at times. I don't mind.
I'm starting to feel a sense of power in my solitude. There is strength inside me somewhere, I need only to seek it out. All that is outside me, be it good or ill, extraneous. I contain all that I truly need within. Others may provide comfort and companionship, but I can survive with out them. Truth unto oneself above all else. That is what I must strive to remember.
Thursday morning Nina is going to shave my head completely. I will be a cueball. Friday afternoon I am going under the needle. I feel a current of nervous excitement, almost arousal, when I think about it. It hurts, yes, but the pain is rewarded and rewarding. Truly such sweet suffering. I think in the right situation, I would let someone draw designs on me with an inkless gun, just for the sensation. To see the fleeting pattern of irritated skin and blood, permanent only in memory, sounds like a very personal experience. I am so excited about my tattoos. It feels like such a release to be able to fix the mushroom, and I'm entranced by my spider.
I know the entries of the past few days have been quite different from my normal prattle about my life. I have had the urge to write diary entries instead of normal day-to-day goings on. I know few people read this, fewer still who actually know me, and I find it intensely cathartic and enjoyable to air my thoughts on paper, real or electronic. Much of what I type is the flow of a philosophical discussion in my mind, or the stream of my thoughts without filtration. It is not meant to be declarative, merely observational. It helps me to work through my problems, and releases so much pent up emotion. Feel free to ignore me, as i may be incomprehensible to others at times. I don't mind.