From Slie's journal:
1. First grade teacher's name: I don't remember
2. Last person you kissed: Nate
3. Last words you said: "Have a good night" to my brudda
4. Last song you sang: "Such Great Heights" covered by Iron and Wine.
5. Last person you hugged: Slie
6. Last thing you laughed at: A man busted with a transvestite hooker on COPS
8. What's in your CD player: A mix of Modest Mouse, the Postal Service, Iron and Wine, Elliot Smith, and the Arcade Fire.
9. What socks are you wearing: dark blue with froggies
10. What's under your bed: the floor
11. Current status: emotionally drained, kinda sad, tired
12. Current taste: overripe banana
13. Current hair style: 1/4 inch long dark brown fuzz
14. Current clothes: blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt that says "Nothing's foreign to NAPA filters" and has foreign flags on it
15. Current Job: Customer Service Rep
16. Current longing: To feel comfortable with myself, to love and be loved, to not be limited by my crappy job, to wake up happy and relaxed
17. Current desktop picture: all the gang at homestarrunner.com
18. Current worry: That I'll never leave this town/my job, that I will always be alone, that I deserve to be exactly where I am now, that I won't be able to go to college
19. Current hate: George W. Bush
20. Story behind your username: k-t sounds like my name, and a friend's daughter added the smurf when she saw me with blue hair, so it's basically my nickname.
21. Current favorite article of clothing: Probably the AKIRA tee that Slie gave me
22. Favorite physical feature(s) of the opposite sex: Dark hair, blue eyes, mischievious smile, strong hands, low voice, arms that make me feel safe, large well-used brains, tall build
23. Last CD that you bought: Possibly Beck-Odelay, but I don't quite remember
24. Favorite place to be: Wherever my heart feels full and warm
25. Least favorite place: The dark pit of sadness
26. Time you wake up in the morning: between 1pm and 5pm, depending on whether I'm working or not
27. If you could play a new instrument: guitar, harp, accordion, bass, church organ
29. Current favorite word/saying: meh.
30. Favorite book: Neuromancer - William Gibson
31. Favorite Movie: at the moment, Eternal Sunshine. Five minutes ago it was Downfall, tomorrow it will be Ghost in the Shell.
32. Favorite Song: Currently the Iron and Wine cover of "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service, but I have a million favorite songs.
34. One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: my eight year old self
35. Favorite day: my birthday, and then Halloween
36. Where do you want to go: Canada, Japan, UK, France, Sweden, Norway, Germany, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Austria, Thailand, Malaysia, India, Sri Lankia, Australia, Tahiti, Antarctica ...
37. What is your career going to be: Hopefully something i enjoy, in a place i love
39. What kind of car will you have: one that runs
41. A random lyric:
"I'm thinkin it's a sign/ that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images/ and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned/ I have to speculate/ that God himself did make us into corresponding/ shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay/ true, it may seem like a stretch/ but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death/ When you are out there on the road/ for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home/ They will see us waving from such great heights/ come down now/ they'll say/ but everything looks perfect from far away/ come down now/ but we'll stay/ I tried my best to leave/ this all on your machine but the persistent beat it sounded thin upon listening/ and that frankly would not fly/ you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows when the window's down/ when this is guiding you home/ they will see us waving from such great heights/ come down now/ they'll say/ but everything looks perfect from far away/ come down now/ but we'll stay "
42. Eye Color: blue.
43. Hair Color: dark brown
44. Righty or Lefty: lefty
45. Zodiac Sign: Leo
46.Innie or Outtie: innie
DESCRIBE...
47. Your heritage: Predominantly Swedish/Norwegian, but there's also some english, irish, scottish. and native american
48. The shoes you wore today: black and pink vans
49. Your hair: already have 2x
50. Your weakness: my heart
51. Your fears: world war, conservative oppression, the death of knowledge
52. Your dream: the end of the currency system
53. Your most recent secret? i have no secrets that you will ever know of
54. Your thoughts first waking up: either oww my head or generalized mopishness
55. The first feature you notice in the (your prefference here) sex: eyes
56. Your bedtime: I peel out of my clothes when i'm passing out from exhaustion, and fling myself into the bed, hoping to wake up to a better day
57. Your most missed companion: my happiness
58. Your perfect pizza: sundried tomatoes, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, lots of garlic, pineapple, spinach, roasted red peepers, artichoke hearts, red sauce, and nutitional yeast. NO CHEESE!
59. Sweet and Chewy or Salty and Crunchy: both
60. Single or group dates: generally single
61. Dogs or Cats: like them both, want neither
62. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Gross! I drink loose tea from a french press, thank you
63. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate peanut butter
64. Cappuccino or coffee?: straight shot of espresso if i'm going to touch coffee
DO YOU...
65. Smoke: yes, most of the time
66. Curse: not as much as i used to
67. Sing: to myself, or in the shower
68. Take a shower everyday: sometimes
69. Have a crush: the last one crushed me
71. Think you've been in love: Never when it was reciprocated
72. Want to go to college: Its not a matter of mere want, it WILL happen
73. Want more than what you' got: to a certain extent, yes, but i want everyone to have enough
74. Want to get married: Good Heavens NO!!
75. Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: yup
76. Think you're attractive: I think i'm alright, but i never feel really attractive
77. Think you're a health freak: i don't consider myself one, but others might
78. Get along with your parents: yup
79. Play an instrument: keyboards, trombone, violin
IN THE PAST 3 months:
80. drink: occasionally
81. Smoke: more than i should
82. Done a drug: oh yes
83. Made Out: thrice
84. Go on a date: nope
85. Eaten an entire box of Oreos: seriously, that is foul
86. Eaten sushi: unfortunately no
87. Been dumped: nope
88. Made homemade cookies: yup
89. Been in love: nope
90. Gone skinny dipping: yup
91. Dyed your hair: nope
92. Stolen anything: nope
HAVE YOU EVER..
93. Had too much to drink: multiple times
94. Been caught cheating: I cheated one time, and that was circumstantial. I wanted to break up in person, but i couldn't get ahold of my boyfriend until the next day. I didn't get caught. I've been the other woman three times, but I only knew with the first one, when I was 15. Never got caught then, either.
95. Been called a tease: once
96. Gotten beaten up: not physically
97. Changed who you were to fit in: nope, why bother
98. Cried at something beautiful: all the time
99. Spent too much money on something you didnt need? who hasn't
100. Cried when someone died: oh yes
Whew!
Now onto the creamy filling of the journal.
I so didn't want to work today. It didn't help matters when an old lady got all rude and bitchy because i was doing my job. She got really mean because i had the nerve to ask for her phone number on her check. Blarg. Slie's presence at the start helped greatly, but it still overall sucked. I want a new job.
I've also discovered that I'm not even able to hold a proper grudge. I can give it about a week, and then i just start feeling like a tool and an ass for being rude. The work/boy situation has shown me this. I really don't want to see him around, and I'm still all tender inside, but i can't even ignore him without feeling crappy anymore. I don't have a clue why.
Sometime when I was about seven or so, I had to write about a lesson I felt life had tought me, and I wrote that life had tought me I was alone. I explained about moving, and death, and how i had discovered that ultimately, I had nobody but myself. Rather a dark assumption for a seven year old. All through my life, that idea has resonated through my brain. It alternates between a pressing fear in the shadows, an accepted shroud of sorrow, and the dark fancy of a child, but it is always there. Try as I might to shake it, it seems that inevitability brings me back to stare this concept in the face. I'm starting to think that it may just be the truth, and that it's useless to fight it. When I find myself involved with someone, I slam into it like a wall every time, and I cannot break through it. I cannot let myself out of my barricades and I cannot let anyone in. There is a large part of myself that I keep shut off from the rest of the world. If i drop the barriers, I cannot contain myself, and I certainly cannot protect myself from the vast uncertainty and emptiness of reality. I cannot let go. Inevitably this creates a rift, as whoever i am with can see obvious signs of my emotional struggles. They will discover that they are unable to help me, and actually the source of my anguish. At the same time, they are my beacon through the darkness. I am given succor by the knowledge that they care for me. I will slingshot between the highs and lows at an ever-increasing rate, until I leave the person because i'm hurting both of us. I am not safe for others, and this is why i am alone. I am not capable of normalcy in a relationship, and yet I crave it desperately. This schism between possibility and desire is the source of most of my pain. Recently, I've let the wall crumble a bit, and not only did some of me spill out, a little bit of the world came in. A highly volatile reaction occured, naturally. I am trying to repair my wall currently, and when it is fixed I will be better. I just need to realize that things are better when I have parts of myself shut in or off. I'm not in a place where I can survive unless I do that. Someday maybe, but not here and now.
1. First grade teacher's name: I don't remember
2. Last person you kissed: Nate
3. Last words you said: "Have a good night" to my brudda
4. Last song you sang: "Such Great Heights" covered by Iron and Wine.
5. Last person you hugged: Slie
6. Last thing you laughed at: A man busted with a transvestite hooker on COPS
8. What's in your CD player: A mix of Modest Mouse, the Postal Service, Iron and Wine, Elliot Smith, and the Arcade Fire.
9. What socks are you wearing: dark blue with froggies
10. What's under your bed: the floor
11. Current status: emotionally drained, kinda sad, tired
12. Current taste: overripe banana
13. Current hair style: 1/4 inch long dark brown fuzz
14. Current clothes: blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt that says "Nothing's foreign to NAPA filters" and has foreign flags on it
15. Current Job: Customer Service Rep
16. Current longing: To feel comfortable with myself, to love and be loved, to not be limited by my crappy job, to wake up happy and relaxed
17. Current desktop picture: all the gang at homestarrunner.com
18. Current worry: That I'll never leave this town/my job, that I will always be alone, that I deserve to be exactly where I am now, that I won't be able to go to college
19. Current hate: George W. Bush
20. Story behind your username: k-t sounds like my name, and a friend's daughter added the smurf when she saw me with blue hair, so it's basically my nickname.
21. Current favorite article of clothing: Probably the AKIRA tee that Slie gave me
22. Favorite physical feature(s) of the opposite sex: Dark hair, blue eyes, mischievious smile, strong hands, low voice, arms that make me feel safe, large well-used brains, tall build
23. Last CD that you bought: Possibly Beck-Odelay, but I don't quite remember
24. Favorite place to be: Wherever my heart feels full and warm
25. Least favorite place: The dark pit of sadness
26. Time you wake up in the morning: between 1pm and 5pm, depending on whether I'm working or not
27. If you could play a new instrument: guitar, harp, accordion, bass, church organ
29. Current favorite word/saying: meh.
30. Favorite book: Neuromancer - William Gibson
31. Favorite Movie: at the moment, Eternal Sunshine. Five minutes ago it was Downfall, tomorrow it will be Ghost in the Shell.
32. Favorite Song: Currently the Iron and Wine cover of "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service, but I have a million favorite songs.
34. One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: my eight year old self
35. Favorite day: my birthday, and then Halloween
36. Where do you want to go: Canada, Japan, UK, France, Sweden, Norway, Germany, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Austria, Thailand, Malaysia, India, Sri Lankia, Australia, Tahiti, Antarctica ...
37. What is your career going to be: Hopefully something i enjoy, in a place i love
39. What kind of car will you have: one that runs
41. A random lyric:
"I'm thinkin it's a sign/ that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images/ and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned/ I have to speculate/ that God himself did make us into corresponding/ shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay/ true, it may seem like a stretch/ but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away when I am missing you to death/ When you are out there on the road/ for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home/ They will see us waving from such great heights/ come down now/ they'll say/ but everything looks perfect from far away/ come down now/ but we'll stay/ I tried my best to leave/ this all on your machine but the persistent beat it sounded thin upon listening/ and that frankly would not fly/ you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows when the window's down/ when this is guiding you home/ they will see us waving from such great heights/ come down now/ they'll say/ but everything looks perfect from far away/ come down now/ but we'll stay "
42. Eye Color: blue.
43. Hair Color: dark brown
44. Righty or Lefty: lefty
45. Zodiac Sign: Leo
46.Innie or Outtie: innie
DESCRIBE...
47. Your heritage: Predominantly Swedish/Norwegian, but there's also some english, irish, scottish. and native american
48. The shoes you wore today: black and pink vans
49. Your hair: already have 2x
50. Your weakness: my heart
51. Your fears: world war, conservative oppression, the death of knowledge
52. Your dream: the end of the currency system
53. Your most recent secret? i have no secrets that you will ever know of
54. Your thoughts first waking up: either oww my head or generalized mopishness
55. The first feature you notice in the (your prefference here) sex: eyes
56. Your bedtime: I peel out of my clothes when i'm passing out from exhaustion, and fling myself into the bed, hoping to wake up to a better day
57. Your most missed companion: my happiness
58. Your perfect pizza: sundried tomatoes, asparagus, mushrooms, onions, lots of garlic, pineapple, spinach, roasted red peepers, artichoke hearts, red sauce, and nutitional yeast. NO CHEESE!
59. Sweet and Chewy or Salty and Crunchy: both
60. Single or group dates: generally single
61. Dogs or Cats: like them both, want neither
62. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Gross! I drink loose tea from a french press, thank you
63. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate peanut butter
64. Cappuccino or coffee?: straight shot of espresso if i'm going to touch coffee
DO YOU...
65. Smoke: yes, most of the time
66. Curse: not as much as i used to
67. Sing: to myself, or in the shower
68. Take a shower everyday: sometimes
69. Have a crush: the last one crushed me
71. Think you've been in love: Never when it was reciprocated
72. Want to go to college: Its not a matter of mere want, it WILL happen
73. Want more than what you' got: to a certain extent, yes, but i want everyone to have enough
74. Want to get married: Good Heavens NO!!
75. Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: yup
76. Think you're attractive: I think i'm alright, but i never feel really attractive
77. Think you're a health freak: i don't consider myself one, but others might
78. Get along with your parents: yup
79. Play an instrument: keyboards, trombone, violin
IN THE PAST 3 months:
80. drink: occasionally
81. Smoke: more than i should
82. Done a drug: oh yes
83. Made Out: thrice
84. Go on a date: nope
85. Eaten an entire box of Oreos: seriously, that is foul
86. Eaten sushi: unfortunately no
87. Been dumped: nope
88. Made homemade cookies: yup
89. Been in love: nope
90. Gone skinny dipping: yup
91. Dyed your hair: nope
92. Stolen anything: nope
HAVE YOU EVER..
93. Had too much to drink: multiple times
94. Been caught cheating: I cheated one time, and that was circumstantial. I wanted to break up in person, but i couldn't get ahold of my boyfriend until the next day. I didn't get caught. I've been the other woman three times, but I only knew with the first one, when I was 15. Never got caught then, either.
95. Been called a tease: once
96. Gotten beaten up: not physically
97. Changed who you were to fit in: nope, why bother
98. Cried at something beautiful: all the time
99. Spent too much money on something you didnt need? who hasn't
100. Cried when someone died: oh yes
Whew!
Now onto the creamy filling of the journal.
I so didn't want to work today. It didn't help matters when an old lady got all rude and bitchy because i was doing my job. She got really mean because i had the nerve to ask for her phone number on her check. Blarg. Slie's presence at the start helped greatly, but it still overall sucked. I want a new job.
I've also discovered that I'm not even able to hold a proper grudge. I can give it about a week, and then i just start feeling like a tool and an ass for being rude. The work/boy situation has shown me this. I really don't want to see him around, and I'm still all tender inside, but i can't even ignore him without feeling crappy anymore. I don't have a clue why.
Sometime when I was about seven or so, I had to write about a lesson I felt life had tought me, and I wrote that life had tought me I was alone. I explained about moving, and death, and how i had discovered that ultimately, I had nobody but myself. Rather a dark assumption for a seven year old. All through my life, that idea has resonated through my brain. It alternates between a pressing fear in the shadows, an accepted shroud of sorrow, and the dark fancy of a child, but it is always there. Try as I might to shake it, it seems that inevitability brings me back to stare this concept in the face. I'm starting to think that it may just be the truth, and that it's useless to fight it. When I find myself involved with someone, I slam into it like a wall every time, and I cannot break through it. I cannot let myself out of my barricades and I cannot let anyone in. There is a large part of myself that I keep shut off from the rest of the world. If i drop the barriers, I cannot contain myself, and I certainly cannot protect myself from the vast uncertainty and emptiness of reality. I cannot let go. Inevitably this creates a rift, as whoever i am with can see obvious signs of my emotional struggles. They will discover that they are unable to help me, and actually the source of my anguish. At the same time, they are my beacon through the darkness. I am given succor by the knowledge that they care for me. I will slingshot between the highs and lows at an ever-increasing rate, until I leave the person because i'm hurting both of us. I am not safe for others, and this is why i am alone. I am not capable of normalcy in a relationship, and yet I crave it desperately. This schism between possibility and desire is the source of most of my pain. Recently, I've let the wall crumble a bit, and not only did some of me spill out, a little bit of the world came in. A highly volatile reaction occured, naturally. I am trying to repair my wall currently, and when it is fixed I will be better. I just need to realize that things are better when I have parts of myself shut in or off. I'm not in a place where I can survive unless I do that. Someday maybe, but not here and now.