Why does it bother me so much that Trevor went out tonight with Aaron and they ended up picking up a couple of chicks? I just called over there, to make sure that Trevor was coming home tonight because I need the car tomorrow, and they were sitting in Aaron's now empty house with two or three women all drunk... ok, Trevor is a free agent now, as am I, and we are both trying to lead our separate romantic lives now.. but why am I so bothered by it that I broke down into tears?.. and that I now cannot sleep? Is it just a fucked up transitional thing, or something worse?
(Dorothy and Aaron broke up tonight, aaron was supposed to move in with her to her apartment, and now has to move in with his father until he straightens his act out. He called up Trevor to go out tonight... to pick up women... I was pointedly uninvited... to the point where when I started to get ready Trevor said I wasn't invited. I guess, yeah, aaron wanted to drown his sorrows in a woman and alchohol... both of which he should abstain, he'll most likely hook back up with Dorothy in three days... and he's suppose to be in the 12 step program... And Aaron seems to think that my being present during the whole "Picking up chicks" thing will be an encumberance... whether it's because the last time he tried to pick up a chick I ended up kissing her that evening, or because of some weird machismo, male bonding shit I don't know... I just feel curiously excluded and annoyed.)
Am I that much of a hypocrit though, that I have to constantly be fucking up Trevor's possibilities of future dalliances with women because I can't bear to lose him, even though it is obvious that he and I could never work because I am a lesbian? Am I that resentful, that he's getting somewhere with his love life while I am floundering in this shit? Is this all just a reaction from us both losing Kim? Am I just bitterly annoyed because I didn't get to go out and play tonight? Trevor has constantly been stepping out at night, and I have been alone...for weeks now... am I just pissed off about that? I'm really fucking confused, and my feelings towards him are naturally quite mixed. I am somewhat regretting the decision to break it off, but is that just because he is no longer an option and because I am now very alone, or is it because I really did want something to always be there between the two of us? (It may just be transitional "End of a relationship" bullshit.. but who knows. I just feel very excluded... and lost.... and it feels that no one is being sympathetic to the fact that I have changed and I am having a hard time accepting all of these changes.)
Why do I keep making him feel guilty about living his own life? I'm leading mine, barely, but I am. It's wrong to keep doing this to him, I know that... especially because I can go out all I want and try to find new people to socialize and romance... but when it comes to him doing it I just get very annoyed and saddened by the whole thing. Is it just that I can't deal with any of this, all of this new shit? Is it that I made a wrong decision at one point? Is it that I made a right one, but I can't accept all of the differences that come with it?
Face facts Krys... you're a lesbian... Trevor is a man... even if the relationship was long and it was good there was something lacking in it the entire 8 years, and you felt more complete the last 6 months that you have been exploring relationships with women then ever before... no matter how well he treated you... face facts... he's not going to become a women, and you would never be totally happy with him....
So why does it hurt me to think of him treating someone else the way he treated me?
I'm such a fucking hypocrit... and a coward.
***************************************
Newsflash: Since this morning.
Worse and worse... He hooked up not only with a woman, but someone who I had expressed interest in... and when she and I had talked I was getting a good vibe, thought she was gay... and he encouraged me to pursue her... To no avail, evidently. He didn't come home until 9 this morning. I had a doctor's appointment at ten, and because I was unhappy I couldn't sleep all night. He came home and told me he had spent all night chatting with her, in a friend's driveway... and that the only reason they stopped was because she had to work and I needed the car. Now, because I was unhappy about my bad intuition and the situation I became upset, and threw a glass jar we had sitting on the counter... hard... (Incidently, there is something so satisfying about the sound of breaking glass... makes me happy, makes my agression dissipate...not that I am often out of control of my faculties to the point where this happens, but once in a while it does...) He was upset and yelled at me... I started crying... he told me not to play the crying game... I stopped. We were at an impasse... and that is how it is now. He did apologize for approaching her, he said he knew he was going to pay for that one. Why am I so angry with him about it though? Is it because I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, even though I want to be with someone else... a woman, more precisely, or is it because I so misread her... or is it simply the fact that this is the second woman since he and I have broken up that he has moved in on? Now, ok, she was straight, I can accept that... Kim was not.. that was a hard pill to swallow... and now this girl? Who's next? I can't introduce him to anyone apparently... he's just too damned charming and attractive, he sweeps everyone off their feet!
Oh well, must start hanging out at the lesbian bar then... that's the only answer... Anyone want to go to Club 505 in Lansing with me? I need the support from other gay people.
(Dorothy and Aaron broke up tonight, aaron was supposed to move in with her to her apartment, and now has to move in with his father until he straightens his act out. He called up Trevor to go out tonight... to pick up women... I was pointedly uninvited... to the point where when I started to get ready Trevor said I wasn't invited. I guess, yeah, aaron wanted to drown his sorrows in a woman and alchohol... both of which he should abstain, he'll most likely hook back up with Dorothy in three days... and he's suppose to be in the 12 step program... And Aaron seems to think that my being present during the whole "Picking up chicks" thing will be an encumberance... whether it's because the last time he tried to pick up a chick I ended up kissing her that evening, or because of some weird machismo, male bonding shit I don't know... I just feel curiously excluded and annoyed.)
Am I that much of a hypocrit though, that I have to constantly be fucking up Trevor's possibilities of future dalliances with women because I can't bear to lose him, even though it is obvious that he and I could never work because I am a lesbian? Am I that resentful, that he's getting somewhere with his love life while I am floundering in this shit? Is this all just a reaction from us both losing Kim? Am I just bitterly annoyed because I didn't get to go out and play tonight? Trevor has constantly been stepping out at night, and I have been alone...for weeks now... am I just pissed off about that? I'm really fucking confused, and my feelings towards him are naturally quite mixed. I am somewhat regretting the decision to break it off, but is that just because he is no longer an option and because I am now very alone, or is it because I really did want something to always be there between the two of us? (It may just be transitional "End of a relationship" bullshit.. but who knows. I just feel very excluded... and lost.... and it feels that no one is being sympathetic to the fact that I have changed and I am having a hard time accepting all of these changes.)
Why do I keep making him feel guilty about living his own life? I'm leading mine, barely, but I am. It's wrong to keep doing this to him, I know that... especially because I can go out all I want and try to find new people to socialize and romance... but when it comes to him doing it I just get very annoyed and saddened by the whole thing. Is it just that I can't deal with any of this, all of this new shit? Is it that I made a wrong decision at one point? Is it that I made a right one, but I can't accept all of the differences that come with it?
Face facts Krys... you're a lesbian... Trevor is a man... even if the relationship was long and it was good there was something lacking in it the entire 8 years, and you felt more complete the last 6 months that you have been exploring relationships with women then ever before... no matter how well he treated you... face facts... he's not going to become a women, and you would never be totally happy with him....
So why does it hurt me to think of him treating someone else the way he treated me?
I'm such a fucking hypocrit... and a coward.
***************************************
Newsflash: Since this morning.
Worse and worse... He hooked up not only with a woman, but someone who I had expressed interest in... and when she and I had talked I was getting a good vibe, thought she was gay... and he encouraged me to pursue her... To no avail, evidently. He didn't come home until 9 this morning. I had a doctor's appointment at ten, and because I was unhappy I couldn't sleep all night. He came home and told me he had spent all night chatting with her, in a friend's driveway... and that the only reason they stopped was because she had to work and I needed the car. Now, because I was unhappy about my bad intuition and the situation I became upset, and threw a glass jar we had sitting on the counter... hard... (Incidently, there is something so satisfying about the sound of breaking glass... makes me happy, makes my agression dissipate...not that I am often out of control of my faculties to the point where this happens, but once in a while it does...) He was upset and yelled at me... I started crying... he told me not to play the crying game... I stopped. We were at an impasse... and that is how it is now. He did apologize for approaching her, he said he knew he was going to pay for that one. Why am I so angry with him about it though? Is it because I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, even though I want to be with someone else... a woman, more precisely, or is it because I so misread her... or is it simply the fact that this is the second woman since he and I have broken up that he has moved in on? Now, ok, she was straight, I can accept that... Kim was not.. that was a hard pill to swallow... and now this girl? Who's next? I can't introduce him to anyone apparently... he's just too damned charming and attractive, he sweeps everyone off their feet!
Oh well, must start hanging out at the lesbian bar then... that's the only answer... Anyone want to go to Club 505 in Lansing with me? I need the support from other gay people.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
jadednerdgirl:
I am still trying to get ppl to go to the gay clubs with me. but no luck so far....
elizabellins:
Relationships suck. Not just the relationship itself, but the "relation" evolved between another person. And I'm definately noone to give advice, so I won't pretend to know the answer. And I second the statement about the power of shattering glass. Kinda makes me want to break something now..
Not just the relationship itself, but the "relation" evolved between another person. And I'm definately noone to give advice, so I won't pretend to know the answer. And I second the statement about the power of shattering glass. Kinda makes me want to break something now..