I suppose its time to update everyone on what has been going on in my life as of late. I was too depressed to talk about it for a while.
Bottom line is this, my love life has leveled me emotionally. Many of you know that I was involved with a man (Trevor) for 8 years 8 years exactly at this time, even. Trevor was, in all honesty, the love of my life. He and I shared something I can never hope to duplicate again. He is, for lack of a better description, my soul mate. There was one problem though; for some time now I have been wanting to be with a woman wanting it so badly it lead to distraction and unrest in the midst of my relationship with Trevor. I wasnt as into him as I had once been. He and I decided that I should seek relationships with women, while still maintaining a relationship with him. This was something that was of mutual agreement between the two of us. He knew that as long as I was lacking something from him I would always be unhappy, and I knew that I needed to settle some things about myself. That being agreed upon, I started to seek companionship from a woman.
It proved to be a difficult search what else would you expect when you were trying to find someone who would be ok with the fact that you wanted to be with them and still wanted to keep your relationship with your boyfriend intact? It took some time, there were many bad choices made, many hurt feelings and sleepless nights, much preoccupation surrounding this search. It took me five years of looking before I found someone who would even entertain the idea of a polyamourous union. That was Kim, many of you may remember me talking about her when I first met her, it was just two months ago. She was, in all honesty, ideal. She was accepting of the whole poly/Trevor dynamic, she seemed interesting and vibrant, she was challenging and complexall things I find completely arousing and she was beautiful, smart, and sexy what more could I want? We started our relationship, and all seemed well.
Things went ok for a while, and then there began to be visible proof that the relationships were wearing on us all. I guess the best way to say it is thisperhaps I should not have sought out a poly union my first time being with a woman that made me a little crazy. I wanted to be absorbed by her, I wanted to be hers completely, and I let that want get in the way of my relationship with Trevor. That was my first mistake, putting him second. I also wanted her to want me, but this did not happen to the degree that I wanted. In the very beginning of our relationship she formed an attachment to another woman, and this was something that annoyed me I know how utterly hypocritical that sounds, but it did. I wanted her to want me, she was my first girlfriend, and I adored her, but I wanted that same kind of affection from her and I did not get it. When I didnt, I resented her that was my second mistake, resenting her. My third mistake was getting up in arms when she wanted to form a relationship with Trevor this was hard to watch. I wanted someone to appreciate him and love him, I will not deny that. I wanted someone who could give him all the things he needed that I was no longer able to give him. But the fact that it was her and that meant that my time with her was severely diminished was not something that I handled well. Suffice it to say, between her two relationships and my animosity towards her about them things deteriorated quickly and everyone began to behave very badly.
I was so hurt over it all I began to hurt the two of them. I began to lash out, try to exert a modicum of my power and regain an ounce of dignity in the whole thing, but I was not successful. I allowed them both to walk over me at times in the relationships, and that was something I couldnt now change. I just wanted them both to be with me again, but they were so wrapped up in each other they couldnt see that I was in pain so I made them see. I acted out, I became what I absolutely hate about people, I embodied drama in order to garner their attention again this only helped to push them farther away from me and closer together, and the more I lashed out the more isolated I felt and the farther they began to stray.
Now things are somewhatsettled in a manner of speaking. Kim broke up with me, she said there were obvious personality differences that we could not get over, things we both wanted from the relationship that neither of us were able to give the other however she wanted to remain my close friend and my lover where was the break up anymore? I couldnt say. Trevor also broke up with me indefinitely around this time, he said for a long time it was coming and I could not argue with this but feeling this indescribable amount of space was something that I had a hard time dealing with. Now, they see each other constantly, and I am stuck somewhere on the outs. When I do get together with them it is muted, the volume is down, the sound is no longer there. They know I am there, but it is different. It is, shall we say, distant and that is what I am having a hard time dealing with, from either of themthe distance. I want it to be back where it was, back where we were all getting along and I was still involved with them both, but that is just an impossible notion. She cares for me, but cant be what I want. He cares for me, but cant be what I need.
My feelings for him are unchanged, I know that. No matter what, even though I no longer feel that sexual desire for him, I love him without measure. My feelings for her, surprisingly, are unchanged as well. I loved her.. And that hasnt stopped. Even with all of the retaliation and all of the hurt we have done to one another the fact of the matter is I still feel those feelings for her that I felt at the height of our relationship I cant just turn them off. They both expect me to, but I just cant. Its not that easy if it was the relationship would probably not have degraded so quickly because I know I would have been able to handle things differently had I not cared about her as much as I do. I keep wanting her to want me, to need me.. I keep hoping that she will call me to get together, express how much she misses me I know I sound completely pathetic, but there it is. I care about her so much, and she doesnt see it. Neither does he. They are just tired of me being maudlin. They want me to shut it off, like a switch.
Its just not that easy. I am literally in that place where I just dont what to do anymore.
If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears. How the hell am I supposed to ignore what is in my heart?
Bottom line is this, my love life has leveled me emotionally. Many of you know that I was involved with a man (Trevor) for 8 years 8 years exactly at this time, even. Trevor was, in all honesty, the love of my life. He and I shared something I can never hope to duplicate again. He is, for lack of a better description, my soul mate. There was one problem though; for some time now I have been wanting to be with a woman wanting it so badly it lead to distraction and unrest in the midst of my relationship with Trevor. I wasnt as into him as I had once been. He and I decided that I should seek relationships with women, while still maintaining a relationship with him. This was something that was of mutual agreement between the two of us. He knew that as long as I was lacking something from him I would always be unhappy, and I knew that I needed to settle some things about myself. That being agreed upon, I started to seek companionship from a woman.
It proved to be a difficult search what else would you expect when you were trying to find someone who would be ok with the fact that you wanted to be with them and still wanted to keep your relationship with your boyfriend intact? It took some time, there were many bad choices made, many hurt feelings and sleepless nights, much preoccupation surrounding this search. It took me five years of looking before I found someone who would even entertain the idea of a polyamourous union. That was Kim, many of you may remember me talking about her when I first met her, it was just two months ago. She was, in all honesty, ideal. She was accepting of the whole poly/Trevor dynamic, she seemed interesting and vibrant, she was challenging and complexall things I find completely arousing and she was beautiful, smart, and sexy what more could I want? We started our relationship, and all seemed well.
Things went ok for a while, and then there began to be visible proof that the relationships were wearing on us all. I guess the best way to say it is thisperhaps I should not have sought out a poly union my first time being with a woman that made me a little crazy. I wanted to be absorbed by her, I wanted to be hers completely, and I let that want get in the way of my relationship with Trevor. That was my first mistake, putting him second. I also wanted her to want me, but this did not happen to the degree that I wanted. In the very beginning of our relationship she formed an attachment to another woman, and this was something that annoyed me I know how utterly hypocritical that sounds, but it did. I wanted her to want me, she was my first girlfriend, and I adored her, but I wanted that same kind of affection from her and I did not get it. When I didnt, I resented her that was my second mistake, resenting her. My third mistake was getting up in arms when she wanted to form a relationship with Trevor this was hard to watch. I wanted someone to appreciate him and love him, I will not deny that. I wanted someone who could give him all the things he needed that I was no longer able to give him. But the fact that it was her and that meant that my time with her was severely diminished was not something that I handled well. Suffice it to say, between her two relationships and my animosity towards her about them things deteriorated quickly and everyone began to behave very badly.
I was so hurt over it all I began to hurt the two of them. I began to lash out, try to exert a modicum of my power and regain an ounce of dignity in the whole thing, but I was not successful. I allowed them both to walk over me at times in the relationships, and that was something I couldnt now change. I just wanted them both to be with me again, but they were so wrapped up in each other they couldnt see that I was in pain so I made them see. I acted out, I became what I absolutely hate about people, I embodied drama in order to garner their attention again this only helped to push them farther away from me and closer together, and the more I lashed out the more isolated I felt and the farther they began to stray.
Now things are somewhatsettled in a manner of speaking. Kim broke up with me, she said there were obvious personality differences that we could not get over, things we both wanted from the relationship that neither of us were able to give the other however she wanted to remain my close friend and my lover where was the break up anymore? I couldnt say. Trevor also broke up with me indefinitely around this time, he said for a long time it was coming and I could not argue with this but feeling this indescribable amount of space was something that I had a hard time dealing with. Now, they see each other constantly, and I am stuck somewhere on the outs. When I do get together with them it is muted, the volume is down, the sound is no longer there. They know I am there, but it is different. It is, shall we say, distant and that is what I am having a hard time dealing with, from either of themthe distance. I want it to be back where it was, back where we were all getting along and I was still involved with them both, but that is just an impossible notion. She cares for me, but cant be what I want. He cares for me, but cant be what I need.
My feelings for him are unchanged, I know that. No matter what, even though I no longer feel that sexual desire for him, I love him without measure. My feelings for her, surprisingly, are unchanged as well. I loved her.. And that hasnt stopped. Even with all of the retaliation and all of the hurt we have done to one another the fact of the matter is I still feel those feelings for her that I felt at the height of our relationship I cant just turn them off. They both expect me to, but I just cant. Its not that easy if it was the relationship would probably not have degraded so quickly because I know I would have been able to handle things differently had I not cared about her as much as I do. I keep wanting her to want me, to need me.. I keep hoping that she will call me to get together, express how much she misses me I know I sound completely pathetic, but there it is. I care about her so much, and she doesnt see it. Neither does he. They are just tired of me being maudlin. They want me to shut it off, like a switch.
Its just not that easy. I am literally in that place where I just dont what to do anymore.
If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears. How the hell am I supposed to ignore what is in my heart?
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Love,
Melly