Grrrr...that's twice this week I erased a blog...and I have had nothing to drink all night! I'm going to have to start doing seperate documents when I want to write a long piece.
I'll try to be as eloquent as I was a minute ago. Curses.
I spent all day at home in my warm single living bubble before I ventured out at 11... I actually had caught a frickin nap at nine in the evening and didn't feel like going back to bed...obviously. So I hopped over to the Montie house to see what those hepcats were up to. As per usual the porch was covered with people drinking, and even though I was intending to go to Beaner's for the evening/morning I decided to stop a bit. It was pretty uneventful for me, as I wasn't drinking at all and actually sat for a time and read my book while the other folks did it up.
I noticed something strange while I was there though. It reminded me of an experience I had as a child. When I was 11 I was camping in Oscoda with my folks and brother for a few weeks just before school started back up. There was a family there next to us that was having some kind of annual summer reunion where they booked several campsites and just went to work and whatnot from the campground. Well, since the kids were fairly local and related they knew each other, knew all of the fun places to go, etc. etc... but they also knew how to be the most hedonistic, debaucherous teens they could be. There were kids younger than I was who were doing shit I would hesitate to do as an adult. I mean, being a sheltered girl from a catholic school where the people in charge preached hellfire and brimstone and conspiracy theories about Eve and how evil women are it was rather an eye opening experience to be out and about in kids not from that environment.
I saw some screwed up things though in that short time though... I saw people smoke pot for the first time, other than my parents, and realized just exactly what they were doing. I watched one of the 14 year olds give a man of 29 head for a pack of cigarettes... I watched another girl just my age do coke right off her own arm... these were pretty savvy, frightening kids. But the weird thing is that while I was there I wanted to hang out with them, experience what things were like outside of my own little forced "holier than thou" existence. Despite that weirdness they were ok kids, but they were family and knew each other and as such I always felt like such an outsider. These people saw each other and partied and laughed together and whatnot all of the time...and I was just a girl vacationing on their turf.
Once in a while I get that vibe from the co-op kids. I mean, there's definitely a few that would bend over backwards for me in a crisis and I love them for that, but overall tripping in and out of that established family always reminds me that I am not one of the gang. True, I have always been socially awkward perhaps directly correlating to the fact that I had a sequestered existence and was taught to doubt and hate myself at school... we women, as I previously mentioned, were the "downfall of mankind" you know...we had to atone for the sins of Eve in the garden by forever being humble, docile, complacent creatures set on the earth to attend men's needs at all times... I mean, I'm not that old and this is what they were feeding kids 20 years ago! Even though I don't subscribe to that shit at all there's alot of white noise left behind from those sermons that has naturally given me a complex about my own self worth and what people think of me...as I age and accomplish various goals it diminishes some, but overall I feel as if I will always be that awkward child on the outskirts of things wishing that I fit in better.
My friend Leslie once told me that's what alcohol is for, to break down inhibitions. She jests, I know, but the validity is altered with me as I find myself almost more awkward after I've had a few and I seem to wonder if people really want me about or if they are merely tolerating me.
It's a massochist Lynchian nigth I guess... I'm listening to Rebekah Del Rio singing the cover of Orbison's crying that was playing in Mulholland Drive...it always feels as if she is singing it for me...and tonight it's even more apt and poignant than usual. I just feel like I have been trying too hard to make connections with new people and honestly...it shouldn't be as much work to bond with people as it has been... I am just too naive for my own good at times, and I think this still puts people off.
Oh well, I am having a blast living on my own nontheless. It's easier to do than I thought and the perks abound...including walking about nekkid whenever I wish (woo woo) and knowing that I am not going to self destruct now. A year ago I might have, now I'm good. I work hard for what I have got, and I am happy to be living life now, except for one or two obvious setbacks.
Oh, a funny thing happened on the way back from the co-op. So, I'm riding my bike on the street next to the park. It's dark and quiet, I've done it alot before so I am used to it... but tonight there was a weird electricity in the air and I could feel it as I was getting closer to home. Suddenly my ears hear the distinct sounds of animalistic, loud, rampant sex coming from the park and I turn my head to peer through the darkness...there was enough light to see two people getting it on against one of the park fixtures...might have been a slide, I'm not sure...but it was obvious drunken, sloppy, horribly dirty sex and I heard this woman scream things I'm not sure I'd care to repeat. I giggled alot as I pedal by, muttered under my breath "I hope they're using a condom" and arrived home... to still be able to hear this woman's naughty words echoing off my building...good gods she had a powerful set of lungs on her, which is amazing because my complex it not exactly next to the park but in the still of the night her bellowings carried clear as a bell.
I shudder to think of the kids playing on that playground equipment tomorrow... best not to think about it too hard...it's probably not the first time, nor is it probably the worst thing to happen there, I'm sure. It's just funny that I happened by when I did, it's been a while since I saw the untanned ass of someone riding another by the moonlight.
There, I've shared my pain for the evening. I hope it brought you a grin if nothing else, that womans voice is still echoing in my brain. Grrr.
I'll try to be as eloquent as I was a minute ago. Curses.
I spent all day at home in my warm single living bubble before I ventured out at 11... I actually had caught a frickin nap at nine in the evening and didn't feel like going back to bed...obviously. So I hopped over to the Montie house to see what those hepcats were up to. As per usual the porch was covered with people drinking, and even though I was intending to go to Beaner's for the evening/morning I decided to stop a bit. It was pretty uneventful for me, as I wasn't drinking at all and actually sat for a time and read my book while the other folks did it up.
I noticed something strange while I was there though. It reminded me of an experience I had as a child. When I was 11 I was camping in Oscoda with my folks and brother for a few weeks just before school started back up. There was a family there next to us that was having some kind of annual summer reunion where they booked several campsites and just went to work and whatnot from the campground. Well, since the kids were fairly local and related they knew each other, knew all of the fun places to go, etc. etc... but they also knew how to be the most hedonistic, debaucherous teens they could be. There were kids younger than I was who were doing shit I would hesitate to do as an adult. I mean, being a sheltered girl from a catholic school where the people in charge preached hellfire and brimstone and conspiracy theories about Eve and how evil women are it was rather an eye opening experience to be out and about in kids not from that environment.
I saw some screwed up things though in that short time though... I saw people smoke pot for the first time, other than my parents, and realized just exactly what they were doing. I watched one of the 14 year olds give a man of 29 head for a pack of cigarettes... I watched another girl just my age do coke right off her own arm... these were pretty savvy, frightening kids. But the weird thing is that while I was there I wanted to hang out with them, experience what things were like outside of my own little forced "holier than thou" existence. Despite that weirdness they were ok kids, but they were family and knew each other and as such I always felt like such an outsider. These people saw each other and partied and laughed together and whatnot all of the time...and I was just a girl vacationing on their turf.
Once in a while I get that vibe from the co-op kids. I mean, there's definitely a few that would bend over backwards for me in a crisis and I love them for that, but overall tripping in and out of that established family always reminds me that I am not one of the gang. True, I have always been socially awkward perhaps directly correlating to the fact that I had a sequestered existence and was taught to doubt and hate myself at school... we women, as I previously mentioned, were the "downfall of mankind" you know...we had to atone for the sins of Eve in the garden by forever being humble, docile, complacent creatures set on the earth to attend men's needs at all times... I mean, I'm not that old and this is what they were feeding kids 20 years ago! Even though I don't subscribe to that shit at all there's alot of white noise left behind from those sermons that has naturally given me a complex about my own self worth and what people think of me...as I age and accomplish various goals it diminishes some, but overall I feel as if I will always be that awkward child on the outskirts of things wishing that I fit in better.
My friend Leslie once told me that's what alcohol is for, to break down inhibitions. She jests, I know, but the validity is altered with me as I find myself almost more awkward after I've had a few and I seem to wonder if people really want me about or if they are merely tolerating me.
It's a massochist Lynchian nigth I guess... I'm listening to Rebekah Del Rio singing the cover of Orbison's crying that was playing in Mulholland Drive...it always feels as if she is singing it for me...and tonight it's even more apt and poignant than usual. I just feel like I have been trying too hard to make connections with new people and honestly...it shouldn't be as much work to bond with people as it has been... I am just too naive for my own good at times, and I think this still puts people off.
Oh well, I am having a blast living on my own nontheless. It's easier to do than I thought and the perks abound...including walking about nekkid whenever I wish (woo woo) and knowing that I am not going to self destruct now. A year ago I might have, now I'm good. I work hard for what I have got, and I am happy to be living life now, except for one or two obvious setbacks.
Oh, a funny thing happened on the way back from the co-op. So, I'm riding my bike on the street next to the park. It's dark and quiet, I've done it alot before so I am used to it... but tonight there was a weird electricity in the air and I could feel it as I was getting closer to home. Suddenly my ears hear the distinct sounds of animalistic, loud, rampant sex coming from the park and I turn my head to peer through the darkness...there was enough light to see two people getting it on against one of the park fixtures...might have been a slide, I'm not sure...but it was obvious drunken, sloppy, horribly dirty sex and I heard this woman scream things I'm not sure I'd care to repeat. I giggled alot as I pedal by, muttered under my breath "I hope they're using a condom" and arrived home... to still be able to hear this woman's naughty words echoing off my building...good gods she had a powerful set of lungs on her, which is amazing because my complex it not exactly next to the park but in the still of the night her bellowings carried clear as a bell.
I shudder to think of the kids playing on that playground equipment tomorrow... best not to think about it too hard...it's probably not the first time, nor is it probably the worst thing to happen there, I'm sure. It's just funny that I happened by when I did, it's been a while since I saw the untanned ass of someone riding another by the moonlight.
There, I've shared my pain for the evening. I hope it brought you a grin if nothing else, that womans voice is still echoing in my brain. Grrr.
on another note, I like sex in parks.