It's been a while again. I have strayed away to far from my favourite online place...there are reasons for this of course, nothing good, but yeah, I've been amiss. So, it's time for an update, a real update. I'll try and cram as much info as possible into it this time.
-I have been working far too much. I work about 40 hours a week, every night, except for two days a week. I know, doesn't sound like alot, but most nights I don't get out of work until 11 or nearly midnight, and I am generally so tired afterwards that I just go home and go to bed quickly... hence hy I have been so absent. I work at Schuler's in Eastwood and it's good and bad. (disclosure!!! I guess I'm so out of it I no longer care if I get stalked... hmmm... that's odd.)
-I have not been painting, well, not as much as I should be. I did cut some mats today for a show in East Lansing next month, but on the whole, my painting has dried up. I think I have been in too bad a place for too long to do it, and while I can keep smiling and keep mostly everything together it really affects my creativity. I did paint a couple of decent paintings a few weeks ago of my friend sharon, but that's of little consequence. I just haven't been into it lately.
-I'm in the middle of reading "eldest", but I am not as into it as I should be, I'm just overall distracted. I sit to read and I can't stay still, my own head conspires against me. It could be that the book is just failing to keep my attention, that's entirely possible, but I think I am just too out of it to read. I might start reading a Hardy book tonight, that's the kind of mood I am in, the reality of human nature sounds more appealing than kids science fiction fantasy at the moment.
-I guess I'm just really depressed and finally am confronting it. I have not been able to focus my attention on anything lately, and that irritates me. Everything is either irking me, or failing to amuse me. So many projects get half started and then abandoned in favor of tv or something, which I would generally never do... I must be off lately.
-I feel lonely, but my first instinct when I feel like this is to withdraw into my shell, not talk to anyone, and lash out at those who try to crack me. I want to connect with people, but I feel so little of substance about everything that I just want to reject all others because of the darkness in myself. I just don't feel worthy of anyone right now.
-I ave been making lists lately...this is something that happens with me when I feel like this. I become obsessed about making lists. why? Who knows, control, order...something.
-I feel happy at work when I encourage someone to buy a book or manga that I like and they actually do it... I wonder if this translates in my head to "they like me" or something screwy like that. i know I shouldn't care about intangible things like that, but I am genuinely pleased when someone picks up something that moved me... don't know why.
-I'm listening to the ramones right now, which usually always makes me happy, in an attempt to lighten the mood...it's not working.
-I went out drinking with a co-worker last night. It was fine, I wish more people would have come out with us though... I like those people far too much.
-my cats are sitting at my feet because my house is freezing cold. I refuse to turn on the heat yet... it's too warm out for that. I'll just bundle up in blankets later.
-I saw Corpse Bride last week. That made me happy. Burton...drool...claymation...drool...
-I have too much work to do for this show in Nov. and I'm stressing out about it. I have to sew curtains... which I can do, but it means I have to visit my mom to borrow the sewing machine, blah... obnoxious.
-my playstation 2 is dying on me, or has died on me... once in a while it will play something, but it's rare and usually takes alot of time, prodding, and being sworn at before it will go. I kind of want a new one, but then I think why bother, I'll just have it to play games I have already played several times... the new one will be coming out soon, but I can afford that even less than the old one... so yeah, somewhat annoying.
- Eventually I will have to move out of here. My roomate and I are somewhat at a weird place, seeing as how we used to date and broke up months ago. I know it would be better for us to be apart, yet I know that he is incapable of supporting himself, and I am incapable of being alone, even if it means being lonely with someone I am no longer involved with... hmmm... I should be on my own, but I don't know how I will handle that. Don't know if I am strong enough.
-my car needs work...more trifles.
-my hospital bills are paid off, everything else is caught up. This causes less stress, but I still can't be happy.
-been watching lots of anime lately. Fruits basket, inu yasha, and rev. girl utena. It makes me smile, to a point. I have also been reading lots of manga and writing reviews on amazon for some of it. This is how I kill time when I am like this.
-what else? Occasionally I'll talk to a few long distance friends. This seems easier than keeping in touch with people who live within walking distance of me, for some reason... why is that?
- I don't find my self attracted to anyone right now...that's a first... I'm usually so libidinous it's out of control... hmmm...
- I have a song from Nightmare before christmas stuck in my head, even though the ramones is playing...gyah...
Hmmm, that's good enough for an update. I don't feel much like chatting at the moment anymore. I am sorry to everyone who is trying to get in touch with me, but as you can see, tonight is a down day... I'll try and be more positive next time...it's just so hard to muster up the positive lately. So, off to my bed to read...something... i'll tell you later what I happened upon.
-I have been working far too much. I work about 40 hours a week, every night, except for two days a week. I know, doesn't sound like alot, but most nights I don't get out of work until 11 or nearly midnight, and I am generally so tired afterwards that I just go home and go to bed quickly... hence hy I have been so absent. I work at Schuler's in Eastwood and it's good and bad. (disclosure!!! I guess I'm so out of it I no longer care if I get stalked... hmmm... that's odd.)
-I have not been painting, well, not as much as I should be. I did cut some mats today for a show in East Lansing next month, but on the whole, my painting has dried up. I think I have been in too bad a place for too long to do it, and while I can keep smiling and keep mostly everything together it really affects my creativity. I did paint a couple of decent paintings a few weeks ago of my friend sharon, but that's of little consequence. I just haven't been into it lately.
-I'm in the middle of reading "eldest", but I am not as into it as I should be, I'm just overall distracted. I sit to read and I can't stay still, my own head conspires against me. It could be that the book is just failing to keep my attention, that's entirely possible, but I think I am just too out of it to read. I might start reading a Hardy book tonight, that's the kind of mood I am in, the reality of human nature sounds more appealing than kids science fiction fantasy at the moment.
-I guess I'm just really depressed and finally am confronting it. I have not been able to focus my attention on anything lately, and that irritates me. Everything is either irking me, or failing to amuse me. So many projects get half started and then abandoned in favor of tv or something, which I would generally never do... I must be off lately.
-I feel lonely, but my first instinct when I feel like this is to withdraw into my shell, not talk to anyone, and lash out at those who try to crack me. I want to connect with people, but I feel so little of substance about everything that I just want to reject all others because of the darkness in myself. I just don't feel worthy of anyone right now.
-I ave been making lists lately...this is something that happens with me when I feel like this. I become obsessed about making lists. why? Who knows, control, order...something.
-I feel happy at work when I encourage someone to buy a book or manga that I like and they actually do it... I wonder if this translates in my head to "they like me" or something screwy like that. i know I shouldn't care about intangible things like that, but I am genuinely pleased when someone picks up something that moved me... don't know why.
-I'm listening to the ramones right now, which usually always makes me happy, in an attempt to lighten the mood...it's not working.
-I went out drinking with a co-worker last night. It was fine, I wish more people would have come out with us though... I like those people far too much.
-my cats are sitting at my feet because my house is freezing cold. I refuse to turn on the heat yet... it's too warm out for that. I'll just bundle up in blankets later.
-I saw Corpse Bride last week. That made me happy. Burton...drool...claymation...drool...
-I have too much work to do for this show in Nov. and I'm stressing out about it. I have to sew curtains... which I can do, but it means I have to visit my mom to borrow the sewing machine, blah... obnoxious.
-my playstation 2 is dying on me, or has died on me... once in a while it will play something, but it's rare and usually takes alot of time, prodding, and being sworn at before it will go. I kind of want a new one, but then I think why bother, I'll just have it to play games I have already played several times... the new one will be coming out soon, but I can afford that even less than the old one... so yeah, somewhat annoying.
- Eventually I will have to move out of here. My roomate and I are somewhat at a weird place, seeing as how we used to date and broke up months ago. I know it would be better for us to be apart, yet I know that he is incapable of supporting himself, and I am incapable of being alone, even if it means being lonely with someone I am no longer involved with... hmmm... I should be on my own, but I don't know how I will handle that. Don't know if I am strong enough.
-my car needs work...more trifles.
-my hospital bills are paid off, everything else is caught up. This causes less stress, but I still can't be happy.
-been watching lots of anime lately. Fruits basket, inu yasha, and rev. girl utena. It makes me smile, to a point. I have also been reading lots of manga and writing reviews on amazon for some of it. This is how I kill time when I am like this.
-what else? Occasionally I'll talk to a few long distance friends. This seems easier than keeping in touch with people who live within walking distance of me, for some reason... why is that?
- I don't find my self attracted to anyone right now...that's a first... I'm usually so libidinous it's out of control... hmmm...
- I have a song from Nightmare before christmas stuck in my head, even though the ramones is playing...gyah...
Hmmm, that's good enough for an update. I don't feel much like chatting at the moment anymore. I am sorry to everyone who is trying to get in touch with me, but as you can see, tonight is a down day... I'll try and be more positive next time...it's just so hard to muster up the positive lately. So, off to my bed to read...something... i'll tell you later what I happened upon.
meekesh:
"hugs"