I think I'm at that point in my life where I need to finally make a decision on what I think I want.
I've wanted so many things and people and feelings and fantasies for a number of years now and I have some of them but it often feels like I'm no closer to getting to where I want to be.
And I know that 'life's a journey' and 'you never get there, you're always moving' and all that poetic jazz but after all this work it seems there should be some small reward, or maybe just the ability to appreciate what I have.
So many of my 'future' plans have depended on 'how things worked out' and I'm realizing now that this is as certain as they get. I could stay where I am for the rest of my life. There's no more uncertainties getting thrown my way. So now I need to decide where I'm going with this, this being my life, and start preparing thing accordingly.
Otherwise, to steal a line from Steph's fiction, the 'maybe' is going to turn to a 'some day' and eventually a 'never'.
The more certain I become of what I have and what I am, the less certain I am that I still want what I thought i wanted, but I don't know what else I could do.
I've wanted so many things and people and feelings and fantasies for a number of years now and I have some of them but it often feels like I'm no closer to getting to where I want to be.
And I know that 'life's a journey' and 'you never get there, you're always moving' and all that poetic jazz but after all this work it seems there should be some small reward, or maybe just the ability to appreciate what I have.
So many of my 'future' plans have depended on 'how things worked out' and I'm realizing now that this is as certain as they get. I could stay where I am for the rest of my life. There's no more uncertainties getting thrown my way. So now I need to decide where I'm going with this, this being my life, and start preparing thing accordingly.
Otherwise, to steal a line from Steph's fiction, the 'maybe' is going to turn to a 'some day' and eventually a 'never'.
The more certain I become of what I have and what I am, the less certain I am that I still want what I thought i wanted, but I don't know what else I could do.
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I was never very good at settling into anything. Change was something I liked more than anything else. Couldn't live in an apartment for more than a year, needing to change my surroundings, couldn't stay in the province for more than a few years at a time, for a need for change (and employment), coundln't stay in a relationship without shutting down...
Eventually, I found my way to where i was meant to be... or at least I think so =) It took a lot of decision making, and a lot of craziness for me to get here, but it surely has been on hell of a ride =) Decisions made today affect tomorrow but you can always make another decision later =) permanence is an illusion, albeit a comforting one....
[Edited on Nov 20, 2005 10:54PM]