krakenskulls

I am sick of this. I do what I can for my mother, and she makes it clear that it's pointless and unappreciated. Just now, I sat here with tears running down my face spilling my emotions to her. All of my frustrations, my sadness, my concern about her health. She kept turning her back to me to check her bank account online... mumbling to herself. Hearing me but not listening.

There are many things I could add to this to give you a clear understanding of how much my mother's apathy and selfishness has chipped away at my being. One major point is her refusal to find a job when I was a junior in high school - leading to our family being evicted. My dad worked what jobs he could, but she just sat back. Asking me for money so they could buy cigarettes. Asking ME to work for their bills.

And now? It's the same old shit. She's been asking me for money. I give it to her in hopes she'll use it on her car insurance or rent. Instead, she calls me while I'm at work one day - asking for more money. I ask her what happened to what I gave her. "I spent it on cigarettes."

My sister and I have always spoken of how vacant our mother is, and it's now that I'm realizing I've always held her to expectations she will never reach. She will never be the mother we yearned for her to be. Loving, caring, selfless. And I have to cope with that. It's very sad. Not only will my children never get to meet my father, but now they will never experience the potential care of a grandmother. My nephew Cason might as well be considered as some kind of pest when he comes to the house to see "Mawmaw". She acts as if everything he touches turns to shit. Quick to grab him away from everything. Quick to yell at him -- to tell him to "shut up!". He's three years old. Come on.

Writing this has helped a little bit to vent. This is all new. Never did I really sit down and think about it in this sense. Very sad. Very sickening.