kr1st3n

so i picked up the keys to the new apartment, i have til noon friday to move outta this one. ive got my work cut out for me, needless to say. but thats okay.

i realized something yesterday. well, i had realized it before that, it just hit me how extreme it is yesterday. im afraid of dying. but its not like a rational fear of dying down the line. im afraid all the time. when im on the road, im afraid a car is gonna smash into me. around people, im afraid someone's gonna rob me and kill me. im afraid of being poisoned by anything, like if i swallow a bit of toothpaste or eat too much iron. if im getting fucked up, im afraid ill od even though ive taken more in the past and i know good and well that there's no way im gonna od. im afraid of my apartment burning while im asleep. i dont know how many times a day i picture a scenario of me dying. ive always got this horrible sense of impending doom that i never used to have before. its completely irrational and im not sure where it came from and i have no idea how to make it go away.

there, i said it. *phew*