kpan

i am in an emotional state right now...slowly during the last few months there has been a build up inside of me that has reached a crescendo ...there is too much happening internally ,mirroring the craziness of my external life.......i feel all at sea...anxious that everything is about to implode...maybe i am just working too hard...creating music with women who are victims of domestic violence and mental abuse...inspiring women in many ways but their stories run deep and are traumatic.....maybe it is sitting with a young 17 yr old lad recently, a friend of my son, who had just tried to slit his wrists because he cannot cope with life since his alcoholic father died...lucky i was there i guess? lucky the breadknife wasn't that sharp...maybe it's just ageing and feeling more insecure...and doing nothing to help myself...watching myself unemotionally as i behave like a prick at times...to those that I love particulalry but sometimes just randomly.......it's a kind of a void...hard to explain...i get lots of positives in my work...people love what I do...people love my photography and my music too...it's not like i am ignored and yet i do not get it...deep down inside there is a connection that is unopened...a neural pathway that is blocked...i don't get that version of me...i can't be at peace...i am constantly striving for the next positive in the hope that i will feel it deeper and that it will stick...but if i do it is fleeting....like a wisp of cloud in the wind....i have a despair in me when i look at the world today...i try to see positives but am overwhelmed by the shit we dump on each other in this world...am angered by the fact that poverty exists at all...and that a certain few hole themselves up, away from it all and hoard thier wealth as if it were life itself....it hurts...my heart is sore...i want so much to fix it...i want to make a difference...and then it hits me...how absolutely insignificant i actually am....it's actually not such a bad realisation....and yet....deep down inside there is a voice that says this...once you know you are nothing then you can be something.....that says actually one voice can make a difference...one act can change your world....i wonder...Rumi spoke to me today...this is what he said....

how long
can i lament
with this depressed
heart and soul

how long
can i remain
a sad autumn
ever since my grief
has shed my leaves

the entire space
of my soul
is burning in agony

how long can i
hide the flames
wanting to rise
out of this fire

how long can one suffer
the pain of hatred
of another human
a friend behaving like an enemy

with a broken heart
how much more
can i take the message
from body to soul

i believe in love
i swear by love
believe me my love

how long
like a prisoner of grief
can i beg for mercy

you know i'm not
a piece of rock or steel
but hearing my story
even water will become
as tense as a stone

if i can only recount
the story of my life
right out of my body
flames will grow

Rumi

Tell someone you care abut them today...go on.