kosomot

"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!' "

"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' "

"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."

"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."

"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."

"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names -- hers and her mother's."

"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."

"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."

"I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out"

"I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price."

"I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. "

"I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back! "

"When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room."

"With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

"Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!"

"One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. "

"I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

"My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab."

"When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!