I haven’t posted in a while and it’s because of a few things. I’ve been seeing this dude from my hometown and I’ve also been working a lot trying to save up for tuition so I don’t have to take out as many loans. Anyways... this is about to be me crying about shit, so if you don’t want to hear that right now, don’t read anymore cause I don’t wanna spew my bs on people unless they have the energetic space to hear it.
So like, I’m super insecure. I’ve always had issues with the way I look. I have never really found myself to be beautiful at all tbh. I can play the part really well, but in my heart I feel mediocre at best. This stems from some childhood thing I’m sure because everyone tells me I’m pretty, I just don’t believe them. When I shot my first set I thought there was absolutely no way I’d go pink. I thought you’d all judge me and be like ew no.
So the guy I’m talking to is in philly rn. He’s there for his best friends bday/a funeral (rip 🙏🏻) but rn he’s at a baseball game. There’s a girl there who’s really pretty in my mind and she’s with the crew of people. I’m not gonna lie I was creepin. Ugh. I hate that I did that. So psycho. Ugh. But then I said some shit to him when I have zero evidence that anything has or will ever happen. Like this girl could be married or not interested in him, there are so many possibilities; but my mind immediately jumps to I’m not good enough. I really wanna stop doing that but it’s like I can’t really shake the feelings and when I’m in it, it just throat punches me and it blows.
I don’t wanna feel this fucked up inside all the time about myself because it’s self absorbed to think that way, for me at least. All I’m thinking about is me. That’s not chill.
Any advice because honestly idk who else to ask. I’d hit up my best friend but she’s somewhere else now. I see you guys supporting each other all the time so I’m finally gonna be brave and put this out there. I feel like so lame for saying all this. Its really difficult for me to share this type of thing. >_<
Send halppppp! 🙏🏻🙏🏻
