kore

i wake up in the morning with a sadness like a stone in my gut. it feels like a stain under my skin. a bruise, blood spilling just under the surface. but i can't see it. i turn over, try to push it away. this is not happening again. i'm over this.

i sit at the back of an empty yellow school bus. the window is down, the wind is whipping my hair around. a streak of bright red against the backdrop of a field of sunflowers. i want to fall asleep in the field with someone who's shoulder i can use to rest my head. i want to feel someone's arms around me again.

there are trees behind the field of yellow. dark green trees, i think they're pines. there are fields with hay bales standing proudly. and i know this is my home. i know this is one of of those beautiful moments. those simple, pure moments that stick inside your head forever, even if they are uneventful. the girl i am should be sucking this in like air. letting it penetrate me.

i started crying last night. it burst through me so suddenly that it worried me. not this again. i'm over that. but the intensity with which it poured out of me leads me to believe that there is so much just below the surface. it's like a bottle of champagne ready to burst. i want somebody to lap this up. it's intoxicating i swear. maybe even delicious.



there's another girl in my class who likes the same boy as me. i can tell from the way she looks at him, the way she holds her body when she talks to him. i can tell she knows i like him too. and there was a bit of tension at first. i wanted that boy so badly, and i'm sure she did too. usually that would mean someone's throat getting ripped out.

today her and i were talking, and it's so nice. it makes me feel like there's some hope in this world because we don't hate each other. we're both intelligent, unique women with a fair amount in common. we don't need to hate each other because of some boy. i've never been the jealous type either. i don't mind sharing, as long as i'm getting sufficient attention. not that he'd be into that or anything. oh, how i only wish.

but for now, it's hard to say which of us he prefers, or if he has a preference. i don't really care that much anymore. summer is rolling through me, and so is this sadness, and he is seeming less and less important. i have another boy lined up for when i go away for august. hopefully things with that boy will be more successful. i know i'm a hot piece of ass, with a fucking personality to boot, so i should have someone to sleep in sunflower fields with me.



i need to meet some people who know how to appreciate a bitchy girl like me. i need to meet boys who aren't intimidated by my intelligence and confidence. i need to party with people who aren't freaked out by girls who play just as hard, and want just as much as the boys. i like to get wasted. i piss in bushes and swear a lot. i get sad in the mornings and when i go to sleep. i also write poetry and like to be told that i'm pretty, so it's a pretty mixed bag. a lot of people have a hard time handling that.