I am desperately trying to spend less time projecting - anticipating, and fantasizing. I have been reading words meant for someone else, and wishing they were meant for me, spending my time in the what if as opposed to the what is. I had to leave some of my writing alone for a bit, because I was feeling uneasy about seeing her today, and wanted to just work things out in the real world...
Last night I had the opportunity to see an old friend and meet his wife, we spent some time talking and drinking some wine. Nice, normal stuff. My friend Janie and I ran over to the Silver Spoon and met some SG people - itsalivemedia, blacklisted, a35mmlife, and uhhh...? (by the way - thanks for the YETI, it is going to be my entertainment for tomorrow morning).
Ran on fumes all morning, through my sister's celebration brunch (she passed her MFCC licensing exam), and the phone rang for the big event.
the big event
:: this is not pity party material - I really need to write about this for myself - it's an exercise for me that really helps work through the feelings, and a necessary means to an end ::
The entire drive I was filled with anxiety, crawling out of my skin.
When I saw her, my stomach was fluttering, and my heart racing - and she was playing it cool, almost absent at first. We talked for a bit and took a walk down the beach so I could do some silly little ritual I have been thinking about since I left Amsterdam. I thought I was ready, but I am so torn up inside things weren't easy, or uncomplicated the way I had prayed they would be - I am still deeply in love, I realized (well, I admitted - not realized) I took some old notes I carry around in my wallet she gave me a long time ago to help me when I was feeling down, and the key from our house and threw them in the sea - hoping to bring a bit of closure - hoping for a small miracle would have been more effective at this point, because I was so fucking EMO at this point I thought I was going to fuck everything up.
I must be insane, hmmm....yes, I am insane.
smash the fucking record if it skips that badly, right?
because it just can't be healthy to do this over, and over again.
but that's all I want...I keep thinking I can get it right if I could only have one more chance.
We sat on the sand and talked for a while, cried a little, and walked back up to main street for a drink. At this point, a much needed drink.
At one point there was a long, long bathroom break. A phone call. The lover.
The End.
post processing
::yes, a necessary evil::
I called later.
It didn't feel weird.
I tried to write a letter, but like the dozens stuffed in my suitcase - I neither finished nor sent it. I always want them to be perfect, and they can never be what I need them to be.
--
I went to visit Janie (I think she is my AA sponsor)
We talked for a while.
I brought my little sister some shoes to the Whoodini concert.
--
I feel drained, but I feel OK.
I know everything is going to be fine, for a change. I know we will be able to be friends, to be in each other's lives and still love, but in a different way. In a way that won't hurt so much.
I look forward to that.
Last night I had the opportunity to see an old friend and meet his wife, we spent some time talking and drinking some wine. Nice, normal stuff. My friend Janie and I ran over to the Silver Spoon and met some SG people - itsalivemedia, blacklisted, a35mmlife, and uhhh...? (by the way - thanks for the YETI, it is going to be my entertainment for tomorrow morning).
Ran on fumes all morning, through my sister's celebration brunch (she passed her MFCC licensing exam), and the phone rang for the big event.
the big event
:: this is not pity party material - I really need to write about this for myself - it's an exercise for me that really helps work through the feelings, and a necessary means to an end ::
The entire drive I was filled with anxiety, crawling out of my skin.
When I saw her, my stomach was fluttering, and my heart racing - and she was playing it cool, almost absent at first. We talked for a bit and took a walk down the beach so I could do some silly little ritual I have been thinking about since I left Amsterdam. I thought I was ready, but I am so torn up inside things weren't easy, or uncomplicated the way I had prayed they would be - I am still deeply in love, I realized (well, I admitted - not realized) I took some old notes I carry around in my wallet she gave me a long time ago to help me when I was feeling down, and the key from our house and threw them in the sea - hoping to bring a bit of closure - hoping for a small miracle would have been more effective at this point, because I was so fucking EMO at this point I thought I was going to fuck everything up.
I must be insane, hmmm....yes, I am insane.
smash the fucking record if it skips that badly, right?
because it just can't be healthy to do this over, and over again.
but that's all I want...I keep thinking I can get it right if I could only have one more chance.
We sat on the sand and talked for a while, cried a little, and walked back up to main street for a drink. At this point, a much needed drink.
At one point there was a long, long bathroom break. A phone call. The lover.
The End.
post processing
::yes, a necessary evil::
I called later.
It didn't feel weird.
I tried to write a letter, but like the dozens stuffed in my suitcase - I neither finished nor sent it. I always want them to be perfect, and they can never be what I need them to be.
--
I went to visit Janie (I think she is my AA sponsor)
We talked for a while.
I brought my little sister some shoes to the Whoodini concert.
--
I feel drained, but I feel OK.
I know everything is going to be fine, for a change. I know we will be able to be friends, to be in each other's lives and still love, but in a different way. In a way that won't hurt so much.
I look forward to that.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
i have so much back reading to do on you. no time to waste. we have much to discuss...
very very nice meeting you...
Hang in there....we have all been there. Time....that's all that is going to help.