kolic

Allow me to share a revelation I've had...in my time here. I've spent the better part (read: 95%) of my teenage+ life numb. I feel emotions, but to a much lesser degree than most people and for a shorter amount of time. Recently I have been reminded that there is one emotion that can still be felt strongly even while numb: Anger and it's related emotions. This is very much a mixed blessing. I have about 12 years of pent-up anger, stress, and frustration. When I get angry, or even simply miffed, that dark side of me rattles its cages. When this happens, I become more active, less listless, and much more of an open person. The very obvious downside is that I become one evil asshole. Thusly, I have a dilemma: Do I stay calm, listless, and brooding and end up with my life staying the same as it is, or do I give into my darkside (almost deserving of a different name than my own, it's so strong) become a more normal person but at the same time, join the millions of assholes already out there?
After hearing that it's my brooding demeanor that puts people off from talking (or even noticing) to me, it becomes tempting to live up to my nickname (should be obvious if you look at my username) and become a stronger personality.
I understand than many of you will not understand this dilemma, that it will seem like a simple decision, but I believe than many of you have perhaps not dealt with the feelings of isolation, the feelings of being apart from the world, that I have. Of course, perhaps I'm mistaken, my problems are common and I'm a dickhead for taking it as such.