I've not posted in a long time. I've not had much to say. I don't know if anyone still even knows I'm here or cares.
I had an epiphany today though, and I feel the need to share it.
It's been a year since my fiance left me. She was someone I truly loved. And a year later, I've figured out why things fell apart and why I've taken up habits I don't like.
My mind races constantly. I'm constantly thinking about things. Most of it's inane nonsense, some of it's paranoid thoughts, a lot of self-criticism, a lot of self-analysis. But it's constant. And it's annoying and it's frustrating.
A good portion of my life has been spent trying to find ways to silence my interior monologue, my constant director's commentary on my life.
Sex was a biggie. From the time I was barely legal 'til not long ago, I'd hook up with whoever I could when the whim struck me. Sex, even though I rarely got off, could keep my mind silent. If I did get off, or even if I just got lust drunk, it kept my mind quiet for a long enough time to make it worth it.
Then I met her. The sex was amazing, and when I spent time with her, my mind went quiet. And I was content. But I guess it's like a drug addiction. I built up a tolerance or got too used to being with her and my mind stopped being quieted. So I found other distractions and ended up paying less attention to her.
Since then, I've smoked pot more often than I ever thought I would, which is to say never. I've drank quite a bit at times. I've somehow avoided sex though. Sex requires intimacy, which I've avoided for the most of the past year. Not counting the time I had an online boyfriend who spent a 3 day weekend here back in October. I have trouble counting online relationships as real relationships when they've got /that/ much distance involved.
I've done it without being consciously aware of it 'til now. All I know is that I've sought those moments of feeling quiet and content. Or just quiet.
I don't want any of the old methods now. Well, a relationship, maybe. Sex, sure. But I don't want pot and I don't want to drink.
So this leaves me with the question of what can I do to stop the constant noise? I'm trying to fix shit, it just feels like there's a huge fuck-off block of wood in my way. Something keeping me from getting things right. And I can't figure it out. It's like there's some missing puzzle peice and I don't even know how it's shaped. And it's not something I can use logic to solve and that's killing me. I'm so used to being able to solve puzzles. I've found the biggest one, and that's life.
I'm not asking for or expecting responses. I don't really see how someone can respond to this anyway. I just needed to get my thoughts out while I was thinking them and I don't really have anyone to talk to.
I had an epiphany today though, and I feel the need to share it.
It's been a year since my fiance left me. She was someone I truly loved. And a year later, I've figured out why things fell apart and why I've taken up habits I don't like.
My mind races constantly. I'm constantly thinking about things. Most of it's inane nonsense, some of it's paranoid thoughts, a lot of self-criticism, a lot of self-analysis. But it's constant. And it's annoying and it's frustrating.
A good portion of my life has been spent trying to find ways to silence my interior monologue, my constant director's commentary on my life.
Sex was a biggie. From the time I was barely legal 'til not long ago, I'd hook up with whoever I could when the whim struck me. Sex, even though I rarely got off, could keep my mind silent. If I did get off, or even if I just got lust drunk, it kept my mind quiet for a long enough time to make it worth it.
Then I met her. The sex was amazing, and when I spent time with her, my mind went quiet. And I was content. But I guess it's like a drug addiction. I built up a tolerance or got too used to being with her and my mind stopped being quieted. So I found other distractions and ended up paying less attention to her.
Since then, I've smoked pot more often than I ever thought I would, which is to say never. I've drank quite a bit at times. I've somehow avoided sex though. Sex requires intimacy, which I've avoided for the most of the past year. Not counting the time I had an online boyfriend who spent a 3 day weekend here back in October. I have trouble counting online relationships as real relationships when they've got /that/ much distance involved.
I've done it without being consciously aware of it 'til now. All I know is that I've sought those moments of feeling quiet and content. Or just quiet.
I don't want any of the old methods now. Well, a relationship, maybe. Sex, sure. But I don't want pot and I don't want to drink.
So this leaves me with the question of what can I do to stop the constant noise? I'm trying to fix shit, it just feels like there's a huge fuck-off block of wood in my way. Something keeping me from getting things right. And I can't figure it out. It's like there's some missing puzzle peice and I don't even know how it's shaped. And it's not something I can use logic to solve and that's killing me. I'm so used to being able to solve puzzles. I've found the biggest one, and that's life.
I'm not asking for or expecting responses. I don't really see how someone can respond to this anyway. I just needed to get my thoughts out while I was thinking them and I don't really have anyone to talk to.