koleeta

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years...

Here is something I know. I know I let my imagination run away with me. I know that when I'm not reminded daily of who someone is, my imagination starts to make things up to fill in the spaces. It tells me things that I believe to be fact.

If I were to explain this in a visual (and yet verbose) way I would say that sometimes I imagine him as a photo, just an image of him, how I remember him. As time passes, parts of the picture start to blur or fade, rather. The longer I am away, the more I rely on my memory to fill in the blanks. Soon the picture isn't really a picture anymore, its not an accurate representation of who he is. It's just bits of him that I remember and I guess I tend to remember things that I like or will miss about him. I don't really see him anymore, it's just what I want him to be.

It's sort of epiphanic to realize that you're just been making things up that you wanted to be true about someone, so much so that you thought they were true. The person you thought you were in love with, the person you thought you saw was really never there. That's not who he is at all, you've been missing your own imaginary person. So now what? What do you do once you realize that isn't who he is at all?

Don't know the answer to that yet. Don't know if I should be relieved to find out I'm not missing all the things I thought I was missing or if I should be sad that ideal person doesn't actually exist.