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koleeta

Member Since 2003

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Friday Jun 22, 2007

Jun 22, 2007
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You're asking me will my love grow,
I don't know, I don't know.
You stick around now, it may show,
I don't know, I don't know.


How long do you think it takes to fall in love? You think there is a time period in which if it doesn't happen then it will never happen?

I haven't been in a lot of relationships. Really this is my third.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
My first was this long, drawn out high school thing that lasted somewhere between 3 - 4 years (not really sure when it was really over). We were in love but so inexperienced that there was no way we could have made it work. I was so immature. I didn't know anything about relationships and people. I would use manipulation to get him to feel things because I didn't know any better. So many emotions were felt during that from the very first sighting to the moment I had to walk away.

My second was somewhat better. I had learned a lot from my first and I thought I was ready to be in a mature, adult relationship. I'm still not quite sure what happened there. It seemed like it came and went so fast and was sort of a jumble of things. I thought I was falling in love. Maybe I just wanted to be in love again.



This one. This is something else. I feel like he's the kind of person that I could have never imagined myself being with. Not because we aren't compatible but because...this is going to sound really self degrading but, he's sort of out of my league? It's more like I never thought someone like him would want to be with someone like me. And even when I type that I'm not really sure what that's supposed to mean. Maybe subconsciously I keep thinking I'm not supposed to be with guys who are smarter than me, or who are mature...ish. I mean, he still doesn't tell me when things are wrong/when he stresses out but I don't know if it's a question of maturity or of personal faults.

Anyway, I'm wondering if him being in love with me is something that's never going to happen or if it's going to take time. Does love, if it exists at all (which I'm still on the fence about), have a time limit? Is it instant? Is it a spark born from the fire of passion and wanting? Or is it like an egg waiting to hatch? A pot of water being watched? Does it grow like a seed? I think I've only been in love once. I was reluctant to admit it, and even when I said it I wasn't really sure what I meant by "I love you." I only know now, in retrospect, that it was the closest thing to love I've ever felt.

So...maybe, I guess it does take time. We've been dating for about 8 months now and he still doesn't know. There are things about me he loves but being in love? He doesn't know. I don't want to be one of those people who puts relationships on a time limit or schedule or anything but is it hasty of me to think that this is never going to happen and I should just move on?

How do I feel about him? I haven't said "I love you" either. I don't know if I do. Heh, funny I should put him under scrutiny for it, right? I think I'm afraid of admitting it because I don't want to say it if I don't really mean it. And I think also in some way I want to know how he feels before I admit how I feel. It's a silly dance.

VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
holliday:
Pfffft...the more I think I've got this whole 'love' thing figured out...the more lost I become.
The minute I thought I was 'sure' about anything, the gods went and threw me for a loop!

Now I'm in a relationship with someone who looks to be so very wrong for me. But then, we connect on so many internal/personal levels I keep thinking it shouldn't matter about some of the other stuff? We've been friends for a long time, so I'm not lying when I tell him I love him...however, this 'in love' thing? He seems AWFULY sure about it...and I'm still wishy washy. Not living in my head so much about it, just trying to let things go as they will. But I wonder about myself...does falling in love have a time limit? How can I be 'in love' with him one day and not the next?

I haven't had that much real life dating experience myself...and I sure as shit wasn't dating the two other dudes I really WAS in love with. Of course, I only *realized* I was in love with them when it was too late. Seems that's the only time I can see it for what it is...when the army comes to reactivate him and take him away...or sitting on a plane flying back halfway across the country away from him... Shit like that... I'm LIVING with this dude...he tells me he loves me all the time...asks me to marry him every single day (no shit!)... If neither one of us is going to take off and leave me alone...I wonder if I'll every realize my feelings for him? But like I said, I'm trying not to live in my head about it (that never gets us far!)...

And that's my very long blog comment about relating...
Jun 22, 2007
toothpickmoe:
Well, it is an endlessly fascinating subject, even if the same things get said a lot. One can never stop learning about this sort of thing, I think. One is never "done." That might be a frightening prospect for some, but I find it bracing.
Jun 23, 2007

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