koleeta

Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes this feels managable. Other times, like right when I wake up and he's the first thought in my head, I can't handle this. I just think about all I've lost. I think about everything that I loved and will never experience again and I cry. For some reason it doesn't hurt, physicially I mean.

Usually when I go through something like this I can feel the pain in my chest or the pit of my stomach. I don't know where this one comes from. It still feels horrible though. It feels like I've lost everything that made my life good for the past five months and now I don't know how to be happy. I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I think that maybe we could go backwards in our realtionship, to before we became exclusive and pick it up from there, back when we had so much fun. Back when he gave me bruises, back when I was still a mystery and I seemed like something that he wanted.

I hate this. I wish he could just love me, but's one of the things in life that you can't change. You can't bring people back to life, you can't make people fall in love, and you can't kill anybody (so don't ask). Also, no wishing for more wishes. Yeah, that was from Aladdin, so what?

I think maybe it's just that I want someone to love me, or someone that I'm into to love me, but isn't that what everybody wants? I know I'm not alone but I feel that way.

By the way, alcohol does not help, not even a little.