Random feelings

2

I can handle a lot of things...more things than probably most people. I've attempted to kill myself a couple times in my life. Both were when I was younger. Living with severe depression since age 12 will do that. Since then I've considered ending it all on an almost constant basis. There are more days where I think about it than there are where I don't. Even if it's for just a split second in the car with "what if I just drove over that bridge?" I've accepted this as just how I am. Will it kill me one day? Maybe. There's really no way to know.

That's only a small piece of why I know I can handle more shit than most people. You'll just have to take my word for it on the rest.

There's one thing I completely suck at handling though. Being alone. Even though I've been alone for several years, I really am bad at it. Because of that, I'm sometimes a little overwhelming as a friend. I have a tendency to smother people, or expect more from them than they're willing to give. And then, when I inevitably don't get what I'm expecting, I get upset or mad or feel like there's something wrong with me, which isn't fair to anyone.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm writing this. I guess because I release my feelings by writing them down. All I know is I'm lonely and it's not looking like that's going to change any time soon.

viper362:
Sometimes it helps to write/type your feelings down because it's a form of release. Keeping things inside can be overwhelming at times, I'm going through that at the moment, but the physical abuse I endured as a child at the hands of my stepdad, has enabled me to handle a high amount of physical and emotional pain. That doesn't mean I enjoy dealing with it, but, it is what it is. I think this site kinda gives everyone the forum to express themselves unlike those who are currently in their everyday lives. Your openness is a breath of fresh air. It takes courage to write your feelings sometimes.  I don't know you, but those in your life who love you and appreciate your friendship will keep you in their lives regardless of whether you think you smother them. Good friends are hard to come by. :)

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