WRITING & SINGING THE BLUES SOME GUIDELINES
1. Most Blues begin, Woke up this morning. I got a good woman is a bad way to begin The Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
2. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort of. Got a good woman with meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.
3. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs & broken-down trucks. Blues dont travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin to die.
4. Teenagers cant sing The Blues. They aint fixin to die yet. Adults sing The Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .
5. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago , St Louis & Kansas City are still the best places to have The Blues.
6. A man with male pattern baldness aint The Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cos you were skiing is not The Blues. Breaking your leg cos a alligator be chompin on it is.
7. You cant have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Other good places for The Blues a) highway, b) jailhouse, c) an empty bed, d) bottom of a whiskey glass.
8. Bad places for The Blues a) Nordstroms, b) Ivy League institutions, c) gallery openings, d) golf courses.
9. No one will believe its The Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
10. You have the right to sing The Blues if: a) you older than dirt, b) you blind, c) you shot a man in Memphis, d) you cant be satisfied.
11. You dont have the right to sing The Blues if: a) you have all your teeth, b) you were once blind but now can see, c) the man in Memphis lived, d) you have a pension fund.
12. Blues is not a matter of colour. Its a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could.
13. If you ask for water & your darlin give you gasoline, its The Blues.
14. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a) cheap wine, b) whiskey or bourbon, c) muddy water, d) nasty black coffee.
15. The following are not Blues beverages: a) Perrier, b) chardonnay, c) Slim-Fast.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, its a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse & dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You cant have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie, Big Mama, c) Bessie, d) Fat River Dumpling.
18. Some Blues names for men: a) Joe, b) Willie, c) Little Willie, d) Big Willie.
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie & Heather cant sing The Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .
1. Most Blues begin, Woke up this morning. I got a good woman is a bad way to begin The Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.
2. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort of. Got a good woman with meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.
3. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs & broken-down trucks. Blues dont travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin to die.
4. Teenagers cant sing The Blues. They aint fixin to die yet. Adults sing The Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .
5. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago , St Louis & Kansas City are still the best places to have The Blues.
6. A man with male pattern baldness aint The Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cos you were skiing is not The Blues. Breaking your leg cos a alligator be chompin on it is.
7. You cant have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. Other good places for The Blues a) highway, b) jailhouse, c) an empty bed, d) bottom of a whiskey glass.
8. Bad places for The Blues a) Nordstroms, b) Ivy League institutions, c) gallery openings, d) golf courses.
9. No one will believe its The Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
10. You have the right to sing The Blues if: a) you older than dirt, b) you blind, c) you shot a man in Memphis, d) you cant be satisfied.
11. You dont have the right to sing The Blues if: a) you have all your teeth, b) you were once blind but now can see, c) the man in Memphis lived, d) you have a pension fund.
12. Blues is not a matter of colour. Its a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could.
13. If you ask for water & your darlin give you gasoline, its The Blues.
14. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a) cheap wine, b) whiskey or bourbon, c) muddy water, d) nasty black coffee.
15. The following are not Blues beverages: a) Perrier, b) chardonnay, c) Slim-Fast.
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, its a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse & dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You cant have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie, Big Mama, c) Bessie, d) Fat River Dumpling.
18. Some Blues names for men: a) Joe, b) Willie, c) Little Willie, d) Big Willie.
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie & Heather cant sing The Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .