kninja

OK... so normally I wouldnt post this sort of thing online..its way more emo than I'm usually willing to indulge myself, but in this case I'll make an exception because it really needs to come out... and aside from that, I'm pretty sure no one else is reading this.

So my moods have been up and down a lot lately, sometimes I feel fine, and then sometimes i feel like life is a waste of time. Then it occurred to me a couple of days ago whilst I was part way thru a good old whine session to my best friend about how I was feeling down lately, the times I'm feeling down tend to be the times when I actually have a moment to stop and pay attention to how I'm feeling. The times I'm feeling fine I realised, are just the times when I'm too occupied doing what I'm doing to pay attention to the state my spirit is in.

And then it hit me like a brick in the face - I am unhappy. Not just having a down day, I really am unhappy with life. More specifically, I couldn't think of anything that did make me happy. The things I used to take joy in are gone. Last year I was a centre of attention, I was surrounded by many people who loved me and wanted me in ther lives in a big way. I had lots to apply myself to and lots to look forward to. Now most of those people are gone, either removed from my life completely or our closeness diminished by other things taking precedence in their life, or part of the fallout from our relationships gone sour. I am left with only a few close friends, one of them drowning under the weight of my emotional neediness, the others to geographically isolated from where I spend most of my time. Ive got little to apply myself to, the things i used to enjoy doing like playing games and watching movies dont interest me like they used to. I can't force myself to get into my music, I feel I lack the true talent to make it worth while. And I've very little to look forward to, a few events here and there but even they are hollow with the knowledge that I will most likely spend my time there feeling lost and wondering what to do with myself.

So there it is, nothing makes me happy anymore, and the longer it goes on the more it seems like the things I'm doing are just to take up the time. Obviously something needs to be done but I have no idea what. I'm stuck in a loop of sorts, nothing in life seems worthwhile when youre unhappy, but you to become happy you have to focus on the things that seem worthwhile....