knawmean

I feel like an outsider, no matter where I go or what I do. I don't feel like I have anything in common with anyone. I need something to prove to me that I belong here. Otherwise, I might as well move on. I'm tired of feeling so alone. It's wearing me down. I don't even feel like I can function some days.




The longer I'm alone, the more alone I feel and the more I feel like I'll never find anyone.

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Lately I feel as though my life is in a delicate balance. One minute I fell exhilarated by the prospect of having the freedom to be who I want and not have to worry about angering her. The next I feel so alone that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or if I do see it, I assume it's a freight train. Then I feel happy over the fact that I can seek out new relationships and find better women t possibly share my life with. But I eventually fade back to being affraid that I won't be able to find anyone, because I'm so nondescript.

Let me explain. I don't feel like I fit in with anyone. I like NASCAR, but I don't know enough to fit in with other NASCAR fans. I like baseball and football and hockey, but again not enough to fit in. I like RPGs but find most of the people I've ever payed them with to be complete dorks. They annoy me. I love cars, but wouldn't fit in with the car scene around San Jose. The worst part is that I have a strong attraction to women with tattoos and piercings, but I'm not the kind of guy they like to go out with. I don't have any tats or metal and so I sit alone in the local club, dressed like a dork, and never get a chance with the women I would most like to get to know.

That bitch did a number on my self esteem. I hate her. I miss her. I feel like I can't function without her. I can't go back. It's been six months. One would think I'd be over it by now. But each new rejection by a woman who doesn't know me from Adam makes me yearn for the stability of a relationship, however unhealthy. I want so badly to give up, but I'm too stubborn for that.

Why am I telling you this? Because this is the only place I feel safe in saying any of it. Because if anyone decides to be a dick enough to make some rude comment about it, I can choose to ignore it. Because fuck her, that's why. I doubt anyone gives a shit, but if you made it this far thanks for reading.

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I put up some pics of my vacation. Enjoy.