pressure

I feel most like myself under pressure.
Ever since I was a child, I have found myself in extreme situations. These are situations where life, liberty and sanity are a hairsbreadth from violation and any clear path must be walked with surety of purpose, absence of hesitation and clarity of vision. Yet, as I got older and stronger, I found myself drifting towards a comfortable, normal life. Through poor decisions and procrastination, I put myself into high pressure situations over and over again. These situations stripped away the layers of deceit that the normal, comfortable life is based upon and forced my real self to come and play. After a time, I grew weary and listened to my should-be-wiser elders, and yielded to the pressures towards normalcy. What a mistake to make! Have I learned enough of myself from this failure to balance what I have lost? Looking back, I see my subconscious putting me into danger as desperate attempts to survive in this soft, vanilla, hedonistic culture. This American life is so full of lies that they smother the soul. The pressure forced me to act as best I could, which forced me to look square into the face of the truth. The efforts entailed allowed me to stretch myself, and prevent the atrophy of my essential self. Yet, I cannot allow these necessary efforts to occur accidentally, and put myself in such uncontrolled, dangerous situations.

While the clear path is usually evident in emergencies, the long path through life is harder to find. Recently, I envisioned my long, clear path and as I make my way towards it I am filled with a sense of peace. My indoctrinated greed, unfounded fears, selfish negativity and societal desires all seem tenuous and ephemeral in comparison. The path is long, years and decades long, and is filled with sheer cliffs, pitfalls, unexpected detours and I'm not even sure I have the right shoes. The metaphor breaks down a bit here, because this path is not just a change in position but also a change of state. There must be a metamorphosis along the way, driven by the inevitable passage of time and the application of will. As such, I can't know exactly where it will lead, but I have faith in my vision, in my experiences and in my reason. There must be others on this path, if I could look up long enough to see them or make myself worthy to be seen. The bond of such people, who walk a true path together, may become something different, a whole new kind of love. Until I find the others, I will walk the path alone. My strength will sustain me and my childhood, my life will not have been in vain. I will fight to take even one more step and I will not lie down or allow myself to stray. I will feel the pleasures that come to me, experience the beauty that surrounds me and take the rests necessary, but I renounce the pursuit of desire and take on the struggle against laziness and fear. There is only the path.