klu

i have been struggling lately,
struggling with my personal life.
should i just say fuck everyone and become a recluse?
its an option that is safe.
should i just continue on feelin like shit, bein the 'friend'?
that is the shitty way to go.
should i just say fuck off to the ones who make me feel this way?
should i be the better person and walk away from those who make me feel this way?
should i tell them off?

all i know is i dont want to be friends with ppl i am attracted to. it is an insult, a letdown.
sure friendship is a good thing, but when the other person has no regards to how you are feeling or why, or maybe they know and just let you suffer, it sucks.

i think i will walk away. so ta da to those whom i liked and pursued. i must remind myself of what my plan is when i am feelin more happy, so i dont backslide into this.

i want to hurt them like they hurt me. i want to cut their heart out and eat it, i want to rejoice in their sorrow, like they have to me. i want to be happy when they are sad. i want to be the one who pushes them away when they are alone and lonely.

i write all these thoughts for my benefit, to get it out, not for your benefit, not for a highlight to your day. if you dont know where i am coming from, or dont like what i say, dont listen. i really dont care. advise is welcome, but criticism is not.

i am very salty right now, a girl whom i thought i had a lot in common with, someone i thought, hmm maybe we would be a good couple cause there is little drama, we like the same things, and so on, treats me like straight up shit when out in public, i want to slap the look off her face, but i suck it up, i drive on, sittin in the back tryin not to acknowledge her. fuck her, i hope her heart is lonely one day, and the one person who she likes, the one person who restores her hope treats her like this. like shit.
fuck the world. i hate everything right now.
my pursuit for a compainion has defined my life. it is a fantasy, a fairy tale, my hopes and dreams dont exist. i put too many girls on a pedestal they dont belong on, you are not that great, actually most are quite the bitch. i dont give a fuck if you dont like what i say. i am sayin it to get it out.
like it, dont like it, agree with it, dont, i dont give a fuck, this is what i am feeling.
i have been betrayed, set up for failure. i have been told to be nice, to treat everyone nice, dont say mean things, dont say anything if it isnt nice. get a job, be a nice guy, that shit doesnt work, fuck it all. i dont give a fuck, you have hurt me and pissed me off. i cant be nice now. i cant sit still anymore.
i cant be docile.
i have tried to be nice, i have tried to be a good person, but fuck that. i am upset beyond upset.
my motivation has been derived from expectancy. i expected that if i was nice i would be rewarded. if i got a stable life, stable career, etc, then i would be rewarded.
i was also motivated from equality, i see others doin less and gettin more, i felt there was some kind of karma in life that would make things right.
i am learning how to live. growin up alone warped my sense of reality quite a bit.
i love life, i know what i like doin, i know what i am good at, i know what i am not good at.
my weakness is social skillz, but i am working on assessin and fixin them. be patient.