kloiterra

today's email to my twin soul:

when i was in amsterdam and i'd quit smoking for nine days,
at first i thought it was pretty easy, then i eventually realized the folly of my thoughts...
over and over, every couple of minutes, even though i didn't feel like i wanted a cigarette, i'd think to myself "alright...i haven't even thought about smoking!"
that thought was proof that i was thinking about smoking.
lately i've been having the same thought process.
"hm...i haven't even been thinking about her"
i haven't heard from her since the day she came over and was weird.
that was two weeks ago. she's avoiding me and it's driving me nuts.
"i haven't even been thinking about her." sure.
i need closure. it's what kills this imp,
but i'm hesitant to go chasing after it.
she runs and hides, but she wants me to find her.
i wish i could make myself aware of what exactly it is...why her?

in a dilapidated cardboard box full of shitty crayons
behind the waitress stand at a second-rate restaurant,
perhaps she's the only color my inner child kind of likes.
...something like that.

its the fact that i don't trust her. don't know if i can(should)
and yet i still like her that confounds me--normally that would be enough to turn it off.
my favorite trick is making players think they're fooling me
and then turning it around on them.
usually it's easier than this.